The Broken Stones
by TKR.87
Summary: Sequel to 'Stepping Stones on the path to Love'. After the events previously, something terrible has happened to Alex and she isn't coping. This is the story of how Olivia supports Alex through this time and how love and the promise of a future can heal even the most damaged souls. Warning: Deals with events of a violent nature, as well as self-harm and eating disorders.
1. Prologue

**Thank you to those who read 'stepping stones on the path to love'. And I know I left you all hanging there, but hopefully not for long. I didn't plan on writing this so quickly, but it just came to me and I had to write it and post it.**

**Hope you like this one too. **

**Prologue**

"Jesus! Oh my goodness, Alex?!" Casey exclaims

Casey stares luridly at the blonde's upper body, marred with scars, every inch of her torso covered in thick gashes, and her arms are riddled with faint scars haphazardly strewn over the skin.

"What happened?" Abbie asks carefully, looking at Alex with worry

Alex fights the urge to answer, she wants to, but she can't, it's too soon, she can't explain, tell her friends what happened, what she's ended up doing to herself. It hurts too much, inside and the outside pain gives her that relief she needs, craves, wants.

Shaking her head, Alex pulls away from Casey, grabbing the blanket from Abbie wrapping around herself, and curling into a ball.

"Alex?" Casey whispers "Talk to me, please"

Alex shakes her head harder, the tears wracking her body, as she fights to keep herself from falling with the panic.

Abbie touches Casey's shoulder "I'm going to call Olivia"

Casey nods her approval, reaching to stroke Alex's hair, but the blonde flinches and just cries harder.

Abbie goes into the hall, dialling Olivia's number "Hey Olivia"

"Abbie?"

"Olivia, Alex is here"

"Oh god, thank goodness she's okay. I've been so worried, I was such an idiot" Olivia says

"Don't worry about it right now Olivia. You need to come here"

"Why? She's okay right?"

"No, I don't think she is. Olivia, she needs you"

"What's wrong Abbie? You're scaring me, I know something's not right but she wouldn't talk to me"

"I don't want to do this over the phone. I'm gonna come and get you. I don't want you travelling by yourself, thinking. I'm just going to let Casey know and I'll be with you. Baring problems with traffic I should be with you by 8pm" Abbie explains popping her head through the door of the bedroom

"Abbie, what's wrong with Alex?"

"I'll explain when I get to you, please"

"Is Casey with Alex?"

"Yeah, I'll see you soon okay?" Abbie says "Casey, I'm gonna go get Liv"

"Hurry please. I'm going to go mad by myself. I should have known something was wrong, when she walked out this morning, I just guessed she needed time to herself" Olivia says down the phone, her tears thick, causing her voice to waver

"Listen to me, Olivia. Whatever the reason for her walking out, she needs you to be strong for her okay. Hang in there, stay calm"

* * *

Exactly three hours and 43 minutes later, Abbie pulls up to Olivia and Alex's apartment, she climbs the stairs, wishing that there was an elevator. Knocking on the door, she takes a deep breath.

"Abbie!" Olivia cries, throwing her arms around the younger brunette.

"Hey Olivia, its okay. Come on, let's get going. You ready?"

Olivia nods, as they exit the apartment, and descend the stairs. "What's wrong with Alex?"

"Olivia. I don't know. She wouldn't talk to us. She just turned up, freezing cold and crying. She could barely stand up, so we tried to change her into clean clothes. She's covered in scars Olivia, her stomach is completely covered, and her arms are too. I think the scars along her arms are self inflicted"

"What? No, Alex wouldn't do that to herself. Things have been fine since all that with Eleanor was laid to rest, so to speak"

Abbie sighs, getting into the car as Olivia climbs into the passenger seat. "I don't think this has anything to do with Eleanor, heck, I don't know what this is. But I know what I saw and I know what they look like, my sister did that to herself when she was younger"

"I'm sorry to hear that Abs, but isn't that something that teenagers do?"

"Most commonly yes, but it isn't unheard of in adults. Especially after a traumatic experience, Olivia. You know that Alex has those tendencies, remember the shower incident?"

"As if I can forget, and I know Casey said she was digging her nails into her arms when she was anxious, but that Alex didn't realise she was doing it"

"And you know she tried to kill herself after Eleanor cheated on her" Abbie said as Olivia raised an eyebrow "You know I knew, because of the case"

"Yeah, I forgot though. You don't know why she's doing it though?" Olivia asked

"I don't think the scars on her stomach are new or self inflicted"

"You think someone beat her. Did that to her?"

"Possibly"

"She started acting all weird about a week ago. Actually, I remember, she'd come home late from work, and gone straight to the shower, she locked the door, which she's never done before and when she'd finished, went straight to bed. But she wasn't asleep when I joined her about 10 minutes later, she wouldn't let me touch her, she flinched and just rolled over. It was really strange but I just thought she was tired, you know. She's been acting different ever since, every time I kiss her, she responds for literally 5 seconds before pulling away. If I try and touch her, she pushes me away, saying she's tired but I don't think she's been sleeping, and she hardly eats anything. Maybe, I've just been too busy working, that I just didn't pay enough attention. Someone hurt her and she's been dealing with it all by herself"

"Hey Olivia" Abbie said reassuringly "It isn't your fault"

Olivia nodded but she felt awful, she wished she had pushed Alex a bit harder to talk, paid more attention to the signs, after all, she dealt with these things every day at work, surely she should have noticed that her girlfriend was going through something similar.

* * *

It was gone midnight by the time, Abbie returned to her parents in DC with Olivia in tow. Casey greeted them at the door, as she had been watching the street from the upstairs window and ushered them upstairs.

"Alex is asleep" she said quietly as they entered the bedroom

"I'm such an idiot" Olivia exclaimed, but received a glare from Abbie so didn't continue with the self blame

"Hey Olivia" Casey said hugging the brunette "I didn't notice either, even when she stayed with me last week, I didn't think anything like this had happened"

"Has she told you anything?" Abbie asked quietly, looking at the blonde who was sleeping peacefully

"No, she only fell asleep about 20 minutes ago. She cried so much, I think it just knocked her out"

"Abbie thinks someone hurt her and she's been hurting herself" Olivia said, through her tears

"It looks like that, Olivia. Any idea when this might have occurred?"

"Yeah, actually. Last Tuesday she came home from work, it was nearly 8pm, and she went straight to the bathroom to shower, she locked the door and she's never done that. I didn't think anything of it, I thought maybe she'd had a tough day, and just needed time; she doesn't like me seeing her cry sometimes, so I just let her be. But she went to bed without saying goodnight, and she wasn't asleep when I went to bed, and when I tried to touch her, she flinched. How could I be so stupid? I've seen the signs, the flinching when touched, the unwillingness to kiss me, to let me hold her, the distancing herself from me but I didn't think for one minute that something had happened" Olivia spoke quietly, and tearfully

Just as Olivia finished talking, she noticed Alex whimper slightly. "Alex?" she whispered, sitting on the bed beside the blonde "Alex? It's me sweetie"

Alex continued to toss and turn "No, stop it. You're hurting me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please don't, please" she begged in her sleep, in the midst of the nightmare, she was crying

"Alex?" Olivia said a little louder "Wake up, darling. It's Olivia, I'm here baby"

Alex let out a piercing scream, "Olivia" she called, sitting up and gasping for air, her whole body shaking violently, as Olivia took in the sight of her girlfriend's scarred body, clad in just a black bra

"I'm here. I'm right here Alex. Breathe with me, sweetheart. Come on" Olivia soothed, as she tore her eyes from the sight before her

Abbie and Casey exchanged worried glances, they both knew that Alex had just had a nightmare about what had happened, and they gathered by Olivia's face, that this was the first time she'd witnessed it, and seen the scars

Alex calmed and snuggled into Olivia's arms, as her breathing evened out. She had fallen back to sleep. Olivia sighed "Look at her, Casey. How can I help her?"

"By being here Olivia" Casey said "Is that the first time she's had a nightmare?"

Olivia nodded, her tears reappearing as her heart ached for her girlfriend "I don't think she's allowed herself to sleep long enough to actually have any"

Casey knew that Alex would deny herself anything that would cause the nightmares, Alex has always said that it is the things you cannot control that scare her the most, and she suspects that Alex had been trying not to sleep so she can control what she remembers or feels.

"Those scars, they look like they must really hurt" Olivia thought allowed

"I think they do, but I think the scars on her arms, allow her to feel a different pain, one she controls" Abbie answered

Casey sighed, and motioned for Abbie to come outside

"Abbie, Are your parents okay with all this? I mean, we came here for a quiet Christmas, and this happened, and now there home has been invaded by Alex and Olivia"

"Mum said that they are welcome to stay the night. But we've got to go home tomorrow, because we've all got to go to work"

"No. I'm not working; neither is Olivia and I sure as hell don't think Alex should. You can, but I need to stay with Alex and Olivia. Alex needs Olivia and Olivia is going to need someone"

Just then they hear a high pitched scream come from inside the bedroom

"Casey" Olivia called from the bedroom "I need your help"

Casey rushed into the room, to see Alex huddled in the corner, her eyes wide and her expression that of a terrified child "Get away from me" she screams

"Alex?" Casey says, walking over to the blonde "It's just Olivia, and me, Casey. Come on"

"Casey?" Alex whispers

"Yeah, it's me" Casey say's kneeling beside Alex, who cries and buries her head into her friends shoulder

"Alex?" Olivia says quietly "Can I sit with you too?"

"Olivia? What are you, why are you…you, oh I'm so sorry!" Alex weeps, looking at Olivia who has tears lining her cheeks

"Hey, it's okay sweetie. I'm here now" Olivia says, she really wants to ask Alex what happened, for her to talk to her but she doesn't want to push, to upset Alex right now. She just wants to hold her, and to comfort her.

Casey stands, and quietly exits the room, leaving the two women in each other's embrace.

Abbie motions to Casey to follow her, as they go downstairs. "We'll sleep down here"

"I hope Alex opens up to Olivia" Casey whispers

"Me too, but it's late and I need to sleep. If Alex doesn't open up tonight, then at least we have slept to be there for them tomorrow"

"Yeah, I guess" Casey says, she's so tired but she's still worried about Alex, and Olivia. No matter how strong the brunette pretends to be, Casey knows that when it comes to Alex, Olivia is a different person.

Alex has fallen back to sleep, and Olivia, while wishing Alex would talk to her, knows that she needs her sleep. Sitting on the floor, Olivia manoeuvres, so that Alex is strewn out across the floor, her head in the brunette's lap as Olivia gently strokes her hair.

At 4.35 Alex awakes, this time, her nightmare breaking before it takes hold. She opens her eyes, and adjusts her position carefully, so as not to wake Olivia.

Sighing, she looks at her arms, wishing she could get to the bathroom, but knows that Olivia isn't in a deep sleep, and the movement would definitely wake Olivia. So instead, she begins to pick at the scabs on the already made scars covering her lower wrist.

She picks gently at first, but at the first hint of pain, she breathes a sigh of relief and continues to pick, digging her nails into the skin to intensify the pain.

She doesn't notice Olivia wake, or open her eyes, but does notice when her hand is grabbed and forced from its assault on her arm "Alex!" Olivia exclaims "Stop"

Alex looks incredulously at the brunette, noticing the tears behind her brown eyes "Sorry" she whispers "I…just"

Olivia puts her finger to Alex lips "Shh, I understand baby. I wish you'd talk to me, I feel so bad that I didn't notice"

"Olivia, I didn't want to burden you with this" Alex explains, shifting to pull away from Olivia, the guilt and shame building

"I love you Alex, please don't push me away. I need to know what happened, because it's killing me, seeing you like this. I was so stupid not to see you were hurting, to see that you'd been hurt" Olivia said, running her finger along a thick scar on Alex's stomach, causing the blonde to flinch

"Sorry, does that hurt?"

"A little. But it's okay"

"Will you talk to me? Tell me what happened. Who did this to you?"

Alex shook her head, she wanted to talk about it, but she felt that she'd be burdening her girlfriend, that Olivia wouldn't be able to take it.

"I know what you're thinking Alex, it might hurt me to know, but it would only be because I love you, and you mean so much to me. Not knowing hurts more, believe me" Olivia says, looking Alex in the eye

"Please don't look at me differently" Alex whispers

"Never. You're still my Alex, still beautiful, still nothing short of perfect" Olivia repeats the phrase she's said many a time to the blonde, hoping to qualm her fears and give her the confidence to open up.

**Okay, so I know, I left you hanging again. Reviews are most welcome. **


	2. Finding Out

**A.N: Thank you to those who already reviewed the first chapter. I'll warn you that this chapter was really hard for me to write, and it deals with Alex talking about what happened to her, it's not too heavily detailed but it might be difficult to read if you've experienced some of these things. I was in tears by the time I'd finished writing it. **

**Chapter 1 - Finding Out**

"I'm not perfect" Alex mutters, turning her head away from Olivia

"You're perfect to me, my kind of perfect" Olivia whispers, stroking Alex's hair, and turning her cheek to look into her eyes "I love you"

"I love you too" Alex chokes out "I'm sorry"

"Hey, don't. Its okay, I'm here now. And I'll be here always" Olivia says, patiently waiting for Alex to speak first, she doesn't want to push the blonde, and knows that when Alex is comfortable enough, she'll make the first move into the conversation.

"Can I have a top or something?" Alex asks timidly

"Of course, Abbie laid out some clean clothes for you last night" Olivia said, making a move to the chair wear some clothes were draped over the back.

"Stay here" Alex whispered, grabbing Olivia's arm, in a panic

"I'm just getting you the clothes, I'm not leaving" Olivia reassured Alex, her heart breaking at the vulnerability in the blondes voice.

Alex nodded, loosening her grip on Olivia, and bringing her knees up to her chest.

Olivia retrieved the clothes, returning to the blonde, and stopped in front of Alex, holding out her hand. "Let me clean your cuts, Alex. Then you can change"

"There fine" Alex said looking at the fresh wounds on her left arm, and cringing at the drying blood

"I don't want them to get infected Al. Come on, let me help" Olivia reinforces, taking Alex's hand.

Alex wants to resist, but she knows they needed cleaning, and they are starting to sting a little. It's always the same, when she's doing it, hurting herself, it doesn't hurt, it brings relief, like everything inside is being bled out through the cuts, but then after a while, they start to sting, and she feels guilty, she feels dirty, used, broken, and then the cycle repeats itself. So, instead of saying no, she complies, shakily standing and letting Olivia lead her into the bathroom.

Alex sits on the stool, while Olivia cleans the cuts gently, they aren't deep, and as Alex only picked at the scabs, there isn't much to clean, however, Olivia wants to make sure they don't get infected, so she bandages them lightly, glad that Abbie's parents have a full first aid kit.

"There we go" Olivia says, giving Alex an encouraging smile, before handing her the oversized sweater that Abbie had left. "Do you want to change out of them jeans, Alex? Abbie left some sweatpants"

"Yeah" Alex says quietly, "Can you give me a minute?"

Olivia nods, leaving the bathroom, she closes the door. And waits, breathing a sigh of relief when Alex doesn't lock it behind her. But it bothers her, that Alex didn't want to change her bottom half in front of her, what is she hiding. _'Does she cut her thighs, or did something else happen that she doesn't want me to see, or know about?'_

After a few minutes, Alex emerges, looking at Olivia "Thank you" she whispers

Olivia nods, and takes her hand, pleased when Alex doesn't pull away. She leads her over to the bed, and sits down, waiting for Alex to join her, which she does. Pulling herself up to rest against the headboard.

"Please don't hate me" Alex says timidly

"Never" Olivia replies, taking Alex's hand and rubbing her thumb over the back of it

They sit in silence for what seems like forever, but in reality is only a few minutes. Alex is trying to reason with herself, on why this is a good idea, but she can't seem to stop the voice that tells her that Olivia will hate her, that she won't be able to look at her the same once she knows.

Olivia is trying to keep herself calm, trying to work through her own fears, on what she might hear, how she might feel, and she's got thousands of scenarios in her head as to what happened, but she doesn't want any of them to be true.

"I don't know him" Alex says, finally, not entirely certain why that was the first thing she said, but it was distant, it wasn't hard to say, it wasn't going to hurt to say it.

Olivia heard the confession, it was a man, a man hurt her beautiful girlfriend. She felt angry, but was aware that she needed to be calm, not judge, not allow Alex to feel that she shouldn't be telling her this.

Alex desperately wanting Olivia to say something, but what, she didn't know, so she continued "Tuesday"

Olivia nodded, confirming her suspicions as to when "I know, it clicked when Abbie told me she thought someone had hurt you. You came home late and showered, you locked the door, and you've never done that before"

"I didn't want you to see. I was trying to clean myself of him, it hurt so much" Alex said, as tears formed in her eyes, she desperately tried to make them go away, but it was impossible as the first began to fall

"Shh. You don't have to say anything else just yet" Olivia said, she knew they needed to talk about it, but she didn't want to push Alex too hard, it hurt to see the blonde so upset, so afraid, so vulnerable

Alex took a deep breath, rubbing her eyes "I do. If I stop now, it'll be harder next time"

Olivia nodded, rubbing Alex's back gently

"I was at work. There wasn't anyone around, it was late. Someone knocked on the door, I had my back to them, I called for them to come in, and they pushed me against the filing cabinet. He touched me" she said, motioning to her breasts "He covered my mouth when I tried to scream, but I don't think anyone would have heard anyway"

Olivia listened, she didn't want to speak, and she didn't want to stop Alex's explanation, the confession, knowing that if she did, Alex might not continue.

"He turned me around; he was wearing a ski mask, or something. I saw the knife. He pushed my top up, and touched me while he cut me" Alex choked out, she had tried to stop the tears but remembering what happened, they fell unwillingly, she wasn't able to stop them "I couldn't stop him"

Olivia could see that Alex was trembling; she could feel her body shaking in her arms, and rubbed her back soothingly "its okay. Just breathe baby" she whispered, sensing the panic in the blonde's body, knowing she needed to calm her down before she had a full blown panic attack.

Alex took a breath, but her mind was replaying that night at full speed and she couldn't get out of it, she couldn't move, she couldn't scream, couldn't do anything but let it happen "He won't stop, he's hurting me, he's making me bleed and I can feel him, he's enjoying it, he wants me to hurt, and I can't stop him"

"Alex, you're safe. He can't hurt you now, he's not here" Olivia says soothingly, knowing that Alex is trapped in a flashback. She's trying to remember how she calms victims down, but this isn't just any victim, it's her girlfriend, it's Alex.

"Let me go, stop, you're hurting me. Don't, no, please, don't" Alex screams, her whole body rigid with fear as she pulls away from Olivia, who just grips the blonde harder

"Alex. It's Olivia. It's just me. I'm not going to hurt you" she whispers, her voice calm, betraying the fear and panic she's feeling inside

Alex begins to calm, her body relaxing slightly, as Olivia continues to whisper soothing words, while stroking her back, blowing cold air onto the blonde's cheek.

"Olivia?" Alex whispers, her breathing slowing, and her body returning to its calm state

"Yeah baby. It's just me" Olivia soothes

"What happened?"

"You had a flashback. You were telling me what happened, and you went into a flashback" Olivia explained, still stroking the blonde gently

"Oh" Alex said, her mind trying to replay something she couldn't remember

"It's okay" Olivia said, knowing that Alex was probably trying to remember, to understand

"He raped me" she whispered "He raped me"

Olivia couldn't hide the gasp that came, while she had a feeling that it had happened, hearing Alex say it, hearing Alex admit it, was a little shocking, a little too much, as tears rolled down her own cheeks

"You think I'm disgusting" Alex said, her thoughts a thousand a second

"No" Olivia said firmly, "You're still beautiful Alex. It was just a shock, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gasped like that. You're beautiful, still perfect to me"

"You really think that, don't you?" Alex said, incredulously, still unable to believe her girlfriend

"I know you are. Alex, this doesn't change you, it really doesn't"

Alex nods, the tears falling quicker than before. She can't go on, can't talk any more. She's said it, and now it's real, now it's out there. But she can't remember anything about this man, she can't remember anything

"I don't know him" she repeats her earlier statement "I'm trying to remember, but I can't"

"It's okay. You said he was wearing some sort of mask?"

Alex nods "It was black. I could only see his eyes; they were cold, so dark, and evil"

Alex begins to tremble, and Olivia holds her tight

"Relax, Alex. Don't worry about it right now"

"I want to remember, to know who he is. I want to be able to tell you, because I'm terrified, he'll come back. He'll hurt me again"

"I won't let that happen" Olivia says "Can you sleep? Try and rest now Alex"

Alex nods, closing her eyes and she rests her head on Olivia's shoulder, she's completely drained from the emotions she's just let out, from everything she's just relived.

"Cutting changes the pain, it makes me control something. I couldn't stop how much he hurt me, but I can stop how much I hurt myself, I control where I bleed, and how much" Alex explains, her eyes still closed, this is something she needs to explain, but she's scared that Olivia will think her weak, so she won't look at her while she says it.

"He overpowered you Alex. You couldn't do anything; it's not your fault. But Al, you don't need to do that to yourself. You know you don't baby. Remember before, with Eleanor, we told you, you don't need punishing. You are in complete control of everything now. Please, don't hurt yourself" Olivia says, she needs Alex to understand that this isn't the way to cope.

"I do" Alex whispers

"No! You don't. Alex, please. We'll get you help, you can talk to your therapist. I'll be right here, and so will Casey and Abbie"

Alex ignores the words Olivia is speaking; she doesn't want to get into this all now. "I'm sorry I ruined Christmas. And for Casey and Abbie"

"It's fine. It's Boxing Day Al. We can have a nice Christmas here" Olivia says, making a mental note to approach the subject again, knowing that Alex deliberately changed it.

Alex sighed; she tried to switch off her mind, which wasn't too hard, as she was still tired, and weak. She hadn't eaten much, and didn't want to eat; this was just another thing she could control.

"You're not going to leave?" Alex asked quietly

"Never. Alex, look at that ring, what does it say?"

"Always yours" Alex whispered, twirling the ring around her finger

"Always mine, okay, I'm not going anywhere"

"You promise?"

"I do. Alex, look at me" Olivia urged, hearing the tension and insecurity in her girlfriend's voice

Alex looked up at Olivia, but was unable to meet her eyes; she was scared of what she'd see. It was an irrational fear but one that plagued Alex like a bad case of the flu

Olivia lifted Alex's head, "Look at me properly" she whispered "I love you, always. I am not going to leave you. I am here, and I'll be by your side as long as you need me, and when we get through this, and we will, I'll still be right there with you"

Alex let the tears fall, hearing those words, she heard the sincerity, and the truth in Olivia's words, and she knew that she was being honest, truthful. And it made her heart swell with everything she had.

"I love you too" Alex whispered, as she allowed sleep to consume her.

Olivia kissed Alex's forehead, and sighed. She glanced at the clock, 6.03am.

"Oh Alex, I'm right here baby and I'm not going anywhere, I promise you. I'm sorry I never noticed something was wrong, I've been such an idiot and I'm going to make it up to you. I'll be here for you, and we'll get through this together. You're gonna be just fine, you're safe" she whispers

Lying in the dark, Olivia realises that Alex never went to the doctor afterwards, not straight away anyway, did she get checked out at all, did he use a condom, she could have a STD, heck, she could be pregnant. She knows these questions need to be answered. But she promised Alex that they'd have a good day today.

**Okay, I'd appreciate some reviews. And your thoughts, on where to take this. It always helps to have your input. **


	3. Getting Help

**A.N: Thank you to dragonsprit, peterpeter, Arabianmom for the reviews on the previous chapter. I was a little drained after the emotions I had poured out, and this one is still a little emotional to write. But it's hopeful and I hope you can see that.**

**Chapter 2 - Getting Help**

Casey is standing in the kitchen, Abbie sleeping on the couch when Mr Carmichael enters "Good Morning Casey"

"Good Morning Edward" Casey says "I'm just making coffee, would you and Beverly want any?"

"That would be nice Casey. How are your friends? I saw that Abbie's on the couch, I guess you slept there too"

"Yeah, we let Alex and Olivia have the bed. Alex isn't great but hopefully having Olivia here will help" she says, taking a couple of mugs from the shelf

"Let us know if we can do anything Casey. Are you guys heading home today?"

"That's the plan. We'll try not to leave too late" Casey says, making the coffee and handing two mugs to the dark haired man.

"You can stay as late as you want. Thanks for the coffee" he motions to leave as Olivia enters the kitchen

"Morning" she yawns, running her hand through her hair

"Good morning. I'm Abbie's father, call me Edward"

"Edward, thank you to open your home to us. I'm sorry for imposing like this" Olivia apologies

Mr Carmichael (Edward) waves his hand to brush off the apology "Its fine. Casey's like a daughter to us, and if she and Abigail's friends need them, then I'm happy to help"

"Thank you" Olivia says again as the man heads back up the stairs

"Morning Olivia. How's Alex?" Casey asks, handing Olivia a mug of coffee

"Asleep at the moment"

"Did she talk to you?" Casey asks, sitting on a stool by the kitchen counter, Olivia joining her and nodding

"She was raped Casey" Olivia chokes out, breaking down, her walls crumbling, her emotions taking over, after she'd kept them at bay for Alex's benefit, but now, here with Casey, she couldn't keep them from escaping.

"Oh my god!" Casey exclaims, she had a sick feeling that Alex had been raped but now that her suspicions were confirmed, she is totally unprepared as her own tears begin to fall.

"She doesn't know him, she said he wore some sort of mask, and she only saw his eyes" Olivia explains, she isn't sure that she should be telling Casey, but she needs to get it out, so she can help Alex.

"We'll all be there, we'll help her. She needs help Liv" Casey says, wiping her eyes and offering Olivia a tissue

Olivia takes it, giving the red head a small smile, and nodding "She was picking at her arms earlier Casey, she made them bleed"

"Olivia, how do you plan to help her? I think she needs to talk to someone"

"I know she does. I'm going to call her therapist later, and make an appointment. But we need to get her to a clinic, find out if she's got any STD's, and Casey, she might be pregnant, we need to get her checked out" Olivia says, she can feel herself panicking, she's torn between wanting to protect Alex, to getting her help, she doesn't know what she's meant to do, how to help her girlfriend.

Casey sighs, she nods, knowing exactly what Olivia is saying and thinking "Casey?"

Both Casey and Olivia turn around to see Abbie standing in the doorway, blurry eyed and still half asleep

"Good Morning Abs" Casey said, hopping off the stool and kissing her girlfriend gently on the lips

"Oh, Morning Olivia" Abbie says, sitting down beside the older brunette "Where's Alex?"

"Asleep" Olivia answers, sighing.

"Has she spoken to you yet?" Abbie asks, already sensing that she has, by the devastated looks on Olivia's and her own girlfriends face

Olivia nods "She was raped"

Abbie gasps, and then looks at Casey who nods, looking like she's gonna cry. She pulls her girlfriend into a hug, and motioning for Olivia to join them. The three of them wrapped in each other when they hear

"Guys"

They look up to see the dishevelled, form of Alex, rocking on her heels, trying to look anywhere but at the three woman in front of her

"Al" Olivia whispers "Come here" Olivia stands, opening her arms to the blonde who steps into them, before her resolve crumbles

Casey and Abbie head into the living room, giving space to Olivia and Alex.

"You told them" Alex says, it's not a question but neither is it an accusation, she doesn't feel angry or annoyed, she doesn't feel ashamed, just relieved that she wouldn't have to

"Is that okay?" Olivia asks quietly, she was oblivious to the tone Alex had used, she wasn't sure of the reaction it would receive

"Fine, I don't think I could have told them"

"Alex, why did you come here? Why do you run to Casey when things are tough?"

Alex sighs loudly "I don't" she says defensively

"You do, and you know you do. What I can't understand is why? When you told me about Eleanor, she didn't believe you, yet now, you run to her after this"

"But I didn't tell her anything, I told you!" Alex says, pulling away from Olivia

"But you couldn't tell me at home. Alex, I'm not accusing you, or trying to upset you. I just wondered if there was a reason, why couldn't you talk to me. Would you have told me anything if Casey hadn't have seen what he did to you, what you've been doing?"

Alex shook her head, backing up towards the wall. She knew that Olivia wasn't going to hurt her, that she wasn't trying to upset her, but at the same time, she felt like Olivia was being unnecessarily nasty, like she was trying to break her, trying to make her feel worse than she already does.

"Alex? Alex? Alex!" Olivia called noting the scared and uncharacteristically clouded eyes of the blonde. Alex had eyes that showed every emotion, but this was once that even last night hadn't made an appearance.

Alex began to shake, searching for something to release this pain inside, something to grab to stop this hate, to rid herself of everything. Running towards the knife rack, her legs began to buckle, with the weakness, her body catching up with the lack of food.

Grabbing the knife rack, pulling it towards her, her legs lost their hold on her body, as she fell, hand gripping the knife

"Alex!" Olivia screamed, pulling it from her grasp, and wrapping her arms around the blonde who was barely conscious

"Olivia?" Casey called panicked as she hurried into the kitchen, Abbie on her heels

"Call a bus!" Olivia shouted

Casey grabbed the cell phone as Abbie knelt beside Olivia, "What happened?"

"I said something, I made her feel bad, and she just lost it, she grabbed the knife. I don't know if she was going to hurt me or herself" Olivia cried, holding the blonde in her arms

"She'll be okay, Olivia. I think she's just passed out from the lack of food. I don't think she's been eating properly" Casey said quietly "Help is on its way"

"Abigail?" came a questioning voice from the hall "What happened?"

"Mom" Abigail said, from where she was sitting "Alex is sick"

"Have you called for an ambulance?" the woman now identified as Abbie's Mom asked

"Yeah, Casey has" Abbie answered, standing up, as Casey took her place beside Olivia and a motionless Alex

Abbie led her Mother into the living room, bumping into her father, who had a worried expression on his face "Alex is sick Ed" Beverly said

"Mom, Dad. Alex was raped. I think he cut her too, and she's been cutting herself"

"Oh Abbie. I know this must be hard for you, after Annaleigh" Edward said soothingly

"It's not that Dad. It's just…they're my friends. Casey and Alex have known each other for a long time, and they have something"

"You think Casey and Alex…are more than friends?" Beverly asked

"No. I know that they are just friends, but I don't know, Alex came here. She needed Casey. Why couldn't she talk to Olivia?" Abbie asked, her thoughts were all over the place, and she hated it. Alex was lying in the kitchen, sick, and she just had this jealousy, this insecurity about it all

"Abigail. If you were raped, would you tell Casey? Or would you go to Olivia or Serena maybe"

"I guess. I wouldn't want Casey to feel like she had to be there for me. I would be too ashamed for her to see me" Abbie said, and then it clicked "I get it. Thank you" she whispered to her parents

Just then, the doorbell rang, Abbie jumped up, opening the door for the paramedics.

"In the kitchen" she told them, before following

"Okay, I need some space" the young female paramedic said "Can you tell me her name?"

"Alex, its Alex. Please help her" Olivia chokes out

"We will. What's your name?" the male paramedic asks

"Olivia. Detective Olivia Benson" Olivia says, getting a slight grip on her emotions, extending her hand which the paramedic gladly shakes

"I'm Rick. Can you tell me what happened?"

"She collapsed. I don't think she's eaten a proper meal in days" Casey says, standing beside Olivia. She doesn't think the paramedics need to know about anything else

"She's been hurting herself" Olivia explains as the female paramedic rolled up the sleeves of the sweater Alex was wearing

The paramedics nodded, as Rick scribbled down in his notebook, before heading to the ambulance as the female paramedic inserted a drip into Alex. After a few minutes, Alex's eyes flickered open "Olivia" she rasped out

"I'm here. I'm right here baby" Olivia soothed

"We need to take her to the hospital" Rick said, as he returned with a gurney

Olivia nodded, looking to Casey and Abbie

"Go Olivia. We'll follow behind" Casey said, placing her hand on Olivia's shoulder.

* * *

"Olivia!" Casey called, as she noticed the brunette sitting in a chair outside a room in the hospital

"Casey, Abbie" Olivia said, jumping up and embracing her friends

"How is she?" Abbie asked

"She's sleeping. They had to sedate her. She's going to be here for a while" Olivia explained quietly

"Why did they sedate her? What do you mean; she'll be here for a while? Is she okay?" Casey rambled

"Case. She's going to get help. They want to keep her here because they think she's suicidal. Someone came to talk to her, and explained. But I'm going to get her transferred to Bellevue, or somewhere closer to home. They needed to sedate her, because she had a panic attack, and nothing could calm her. I couldn't calm her down" Olivia managed, her emotions catching up with her

"Hey. It's good. She'll get help Liv" Casey soothed

"Olivia!" Alex called, waking up, and seeing her girlfriend at the window; Olivia turned and ran into the room

"I'm here. I'm here"

"What happened? I was talking to that woman, and now I'm here" Alex asked, a little panicky

"Al, you need to keep calm. They had to sedate you, you were panicking, and no-one could get you to relax" Olivia whispered, sitting beside the blonde

She reached out to touch Alex, who flinched, before relaxing into the touch "Sorry"

"It's okay" Olivia soothed

"I've got to stay here" Alex said, remembering the conversation with the nurse

Olivia nodded "You're going to get help Alex. It's all going to be okay"

Alex began to cry, she was so tired, of everything "I'm sorry"

"Stop apologising. I promise you, I promise, that you'll get through this. Alex, you're going to need to talk to a therapist, and I mean talk, okay…?"

Alex nodded "I don't want to be like this anymore Olivia. I know I have to deal with it. You showed me that, telling you, it lifted a huge weight from me. I'm scared"

"Oh I know you are darling. I'll come visit you, as much as I can. I have to go back to work, I tried to get time off, but Munch is off sick, and I'm needed. But I'll check in on you, and you can call me when you need to"

"Olivia, you can't leave me here. In another state, you can't"

"I'm not. I'm going to ask the doctor in charge to have you transferred to Bellevue. I wouldn't and I can't leave you here" Olivia said.

A nurse knocked on the door, and pushed a food trolley in. Alex's eyes went wide, and she began to rock back and forth. Olivia noticed the sudden change in Alex "Baby, what's wrong?"

"I can't eat" she whispered

"Why not? Alex, you collapsed. You're going to get really sick if you don't eat" Olivia said concerned

"I just can't" Alex whispered, continuing to rock

"You need to eat Miss Cabot" the nurse said, but backed off when she received a glare from Olivia "I'll just leave it here"

Olivia turned back to Alex, pulling her close "Just a little bit Alex"

Alex shook her head "I can't"

"Yes, you can. Alex, what's wrong? Why won't you eat, you ate breakfast yesterday" Olivia asked

"I didn't" Alex whispered

"You did, I saw you. Granted, it wasn't much but you did eat"

"And I threw it up as soon as I got into the bathroom" Alex whispered

Olivia realised exactly what Alex was saying, she purged, and she was bulimic.

"Why?"

"I'm not bulimic Olivia" Alex says, knowing what her girlfriend is thinking "It was the first time I've done that. I just prefer not to eat"

"So you're anorexic?" Olivia asked quietly

Alex shook her head "I don't know. It's like the cutting, I can control it. What I eat, when I eat"

"Alex. Can you do something for me?" Olivia asks, taking Alex hand, relieved when she doesn't tense up or flinch

"What?" Alex whispers

"Eat something, a couple of mouthfuls. You can control how much you eat, but you need to eat. Alex, you're really sick. I don't want to lose you, and I'm scared that if you keep going like this, I'm going to. I thought you were going to die. I couldn't bear to lose you" Olivia says as tears fill her eyes and run down her cheeks

"Olivia" Alex whispers "I'm sorry. I didn't know what I was doing to you. I'm so selfish, and I'm sorry"

"Hey" Olivia says, looking at Alex "Just get better. Promise me you'll try"

Alex nods, picking up a fork, and looking at the pasta in front of her. She eats quietly, managing about 4 mouthfuls, before begging Olivia with her eyes to stop

Olivia nods, knowing that pushing Alex won't help "Al. I've got to go and talk to the doctor, get you to Bellevue. Listen to me, baby. I won't let you go through this alone"

**Review please. **


	4. Flashback

**A.N: Thank you for the reviews and support. Really does mean a lot to me and motivates me, when I read them. The italics you see further into the chapter are from Alex's POV and is a flashback to the rape/attack**

**Chapter 3 - Flashback**

It's December twenty seventh. 7.42am, and Olivia Benson has been sitting at her desk for just over half an hour. She couldn't sleep, her head was completely cramped with thoughts of Alex, and nothing would allow it to switch off. Even now, Alex was all she could think about. She wished she could be with her girlfriend, wished she didn't have to come into work. But Munch was off sick, granted, it was probably just some bug, maybe he'd had something dodgy over Christmas, maybe he'd had too much to drink, but either way, he was off sick, and she had to come in, leaving Alex alone.

"Olivia, you're here early" Cragen said, as he entered the squad room

"Couldn't sleep" she answered

"Alex?" he asked, already having been filled in by Olivia the previous day

"She's all alone Captain. I just want to, I need to be with her" Olivia says sighing, knowing there's no chance of reprieve

"You've got a job to do Olivia. You've had so much personal time already. What I don't get is why Alex didn't report it, why she erased all the evidence?"

"She was probably so scared, so ashamed, and I didn't even notice anything was wrong, I should have. I was so blind to it, and she's been dealing with this in the worst way possible, but she's been all alone and now I've just left her again!" Olivia can't keep the anger out of her voice; the guilt she's feeling is overwhelming

"Olivia, it's not your fault" Cragen said, although he himself didn't notice anything was wrong with their ADA, even when she visited the precinct.

Olivia sighed, she wasn't going to argue, and she just felt like everything was going wrong.

"Good Morning" Fin said enthusiastically, obviously having had a good break

Olivia didn't answer; she barely even looked up as he entered.

Fin raised an eyebrow at the silence coming from the brunette. "Olivia?"

"What?!" she snapped "Sorry Fin. I just…"

"Hey baby girl. What's up? You got trouble in paradise?" Fin asked, approaching the desk where she sat

"Who's got trouble in paradise?" Elliot asked, entering the squad room "Oh, Hey Liv"

Olivia gave a weak smile and continued to stare at the computer screen

Elliot looked questionably at Fin who just shrugged.

"What's up Olivia?" Elliot asked, as he sat opposite her at their joint desk

"Guys! We've got a body. Benson and Stabler, Melinda's already at the scene" Cragen announced, handing Elliot an address on a piece of paper

Olivia sighed, grabbing her jacket, and following Elliot out of the precinct

"What's up with you Olivia? If Alex has broken your heart, I'll personally go and have it out with her" Elliot says as the exit the precinct

"You don't know anything Elliot!" she screams at her partner, slamming the passenger car door as she gets in

"Liv! What's got you in such a foul mood? Seriously"

"Leave it El"

Elliot sighs; he glances at the brunette who is staring out of the window. He already knows something's up, usually Olivia wants to drive, usually she snaps that he hasn't brought coffee, usually she's teasing him or winding him up.

* * *

"Abbie, what are you doing here?" Casey asks her girlfriend, who has just entered her office.

"That's a great way to greet your girlfriend" Abbie teases, leaning in to kiss Casey on the lips

"Sorry, I didn't mean it to sound like that"

"I'm joking Casey. You're worried about Alex aren't you?"

"Yeah, and Olivia. She might pretend to be okay but I know this is hurting her. She can't understand how she didn't notice"

"Neither did we, or any of the other detectives"

"I know, but Olivia is her girlfriend"

"Alex seems to come to you more often than not though" Abbie approaches

"What does that mean?" Casey asks, looking up at Abbie. She can sense the slight jealousness in her girlfriends tone

"Nothing. It's just that she came to you Christmas Day, and even though I know there's nothing going on, and my Mom tried to explain that she was probably ashamed to tell Olivia, so she came t you instead, I just don't understand"

"You're jealous. You think something's going on between me and Alex. Abbie, we're just friends. If you remember she never told me anything, she opened up to Olivia first"

"But she ran to you"

"Because she needed help and she needed someone that wasn't Olivia"

"Maybe, but I don't think she'd have told Olivia if we hadn't of called her"

"Abbie? I love you, okay"

"I know"

"You're meant to tell me you love me too" Casey smiles

"I love you too" Abbie says quietly

"You're meant to mean it Abbie" Casey says dejected, turning away from the brunette

"I do. I've just been thinking, that's all. I'm worried about Alex too"

"Yeah, it seems like it" Casey spat

"Oh, so you think because I'm more bothered about whether our relationship is actually going anywhere that I don't care about my friends"

"What do you mean, Abbie? I thought we agreed to take it slow"

"It just seems, you're with Alex and Olivia more than you are me" Abbie said quietly

"I'm sorry if that's how you feel Abs. I didn't mean to make you feel like that. I love you baby" Casey says, pulling Abbie onto her lap, wrapping her arms around her

"I love you too" Abbie whispers, kissing Casey gently on the lips. Casey licks Abbie's lower lip, asking for entrance which is granted. Their tongues wrap around one another, slowly duelling, teeth nipping skin, bodies pressed together, as hands rub skin through the material of each other's shirts.

When the need for air becomes urgent, Abbie pulls away "I really do love you Case"

"I know. We need to make more time for each other" Casey says, placing kisses along the brunette's neck, causing Abbie to moan lightly at the contact

"Mmm"

"But I need to work" Casey laughs "As much as I'd love to take you right here"

"Sounds tempting"

"It does, but it won't happen. I'll call you when I finish, you can come over, I'll cook and we can talk properly" Casey offers.

"I'd like that" Abbie says, placing a chaste kiss on Casey's lips as she stands.

"I love you, always" Casey says, as Abbie opens the door

"I love you more" Abbie jokes, blowing the red head a kiss, whom in turn pretends to grab it, pressing it to her lips with a smile

* * *

_'I'm filing away a few papers that I've neglected to remove from my desk this past week. I hear a knock at the door, I call out to tell them to enter, but before I can turn around, I'm thrown into the cabinet, my front pushing on the drawers, forcing them closed._

_I hear heavy breathing as I feel strong hands on my breasts, squeezing, "No, please" I beg and I try to scream but he puts his hand across my mouth, it's rough. I try and grab at his hands but he's so forceful, pushing me harder into the cabinets._

_He's touching me, and I can feel his erection on my back. I know he's enjoying it. I close my eyes as he turns me around, pinning my arms at my sides. He's wearing a ski mask, it's black and I can only see his eyes. They are dark, unfeeling, and evil._

_"No, please" I cry again and then I see something glinting in his hands and I know it's a knife "Scream and I'll kill you" he rasps out pushing my top up, squeezing me breasts in his hands, as I feel the knife digging into the flesh on my stomach._

_He hitches my skirt up and grabs at my panties, I want to scream, shout out but I'm terrified and I don't think anyone else is here anyway. I feel him as he pushes into me, and I close my eyes, trying to pretend it isn't happening. It hurts. I try not to cry, I don't want him to think I'm weak but I am because he's doing this to me._

_He thrusts hard into me and I feel him empty himself into me. He laughs as he pulls out, slashing the blade across my stomach one last time. He leaves me there, as he walks away and I fall to the ground'_

"No! Get away from me! You're hurting me, go away. Leave me alone, please. Please, don't, no please" Alex screams as Dr Ryan enters the room, after hearing the screams of Alex's flashback

"Alex, calm down. You're safe. Hey" he says quietly

"No! Go away" Alex screams louder, her legs curled into her chest as she backs into the wall, she's half aware of her surroundings but the sight of a man entering the room, is totally freaking her out

"Alex, it's just Dr Ryan. I'm not going to hurt you, I'm here to help"

"No, leave me alone. I want Olivia" Alex says, becoming more aware of where she is, but still caught between the flashback and reality

"Okay, Okay. I'll call Olivia, but you need to calm down" he says calmly as he approaches her, only to cause complete panic as Alex darts to the door, swinging it open, she runs...

Dr Ryan goes after her, paging all available nurses for back up. Alex runs into the medical room, grabbing a syringe, pointing it in front of her, as Dr Ryan enters the room "Go away" she screeches

"Alex, you need to calm down. Put the syringe down, put it down. I'm not going to hurt you. I just need you to calm down and let go of that syringe" he calmly orders the blonde

"No. You leave" she shouts

"I can't do that Alex. I can't leave you here by yourself"

"Then I'll just do this with you here" she cries

"I can't let you do that Alex. I don't want to hurt you, or for you to hurt yourself"

"I want Olivia" she sobs, holding the syringe to her chest

"I'll call Olivia, but you need to put that down, and come back to your room" he says quietly, taking a step forward

"No! Don't come near me"

"I'm not going any closer. Just put it down"

"Not until you call Olivia"

"Okay, I'm calling her" Dr Ryan says picking up his cell

"Put it on loudspeaker" she orders

"Okay, Okay" he says, taking another step closer

"Olivia Benson, I'm unable to take your call but leave a message and I'll return it when I'm available"

"No!" Alex screams "Olivia, Olivia, I need you to come. Please" she cries into the voicemail

Dr Ryan ends the call "I called her Alex. Now come on, drop the syringe. Let's go back to your room"

"No!" Alex screams "I need Olivia. Call Casey, call Casey, she'll get me Olivia"

"Just put the syringe down" he says, "I'll call Casey. Just put it down"

"Not until someone helps me" Alex cries

"I'm going to help you"

"No, you'll hurt me. Just call Casey!"

"Novak, Sex Crimes" comes Casey's voice over the phone

"Miss Novak, its Dr Ryan at Bellevue. Alex asked me to call you"

"I'm sorry, but you're better off calling Olivia Benson" Casey says, sighing, remembering the conversation with Abbie earlier

"Casey? Casey! I need Olivia. Help me Casey, please" Alex begs

"What's happened to her?" Casey asks

"She had a flashback, and she's got a syringe and she's threatening to inject it into herself"

"I'll call Olivia" Casey says

"We tried; it went through to her voicemail"

"Casey, please come and help me! Please" Alex cries as she slides down the wall, trembling

"I'm coming Alex" Casey tells the blonde "You need to put the syringe down Alex. I'll come and help you, but you have to put it down, okay?"

Alex nods, forgetting that Casey can't see her as she drops the syringe; Dr Ryan ends the call, and kicks it out of the way, before approaching Alex slowly

"Alex? Let's go back to your room"

"No, go away. Please" she begs quietly, her body losing its energy to fight as she closes her eyes

Dr Ryan takes a couple of steps back "I'll just stay here" he says, as he reaches the door, motioning to the nurses to come in. 3 nurses rush in, grabbing her arms quickly and legs and lifting her from the ground

"Let go" Alex attempts to scream, but she's weak and tired, and her attempts are futile

They carry her back to her room, laying her down on the bed, as Dr Ryan administers a sedative into her IV, before connecting her to a drip to pump nutrients into her body.

**Review Please **


	5. Taking the first step

**A.N: Here we go. More twists, turns, tears and sorrow but all worth it in the end, I promise.**

**Chapter 4 -Taking the first step**

"Where's Olivia?" Casey asks bursting into the squad room

"She's questioning a suspect in the Kingsley Case" Fin answers "What's wrong?"

"I need to speak to her" Casey says, her tone demanding and needy

"Well, she's busy, you'll have to hang on" Elliot answers from behind the paper he'd been reading

Casey sighs, heading to the interview rooms. She bangs on the glass, causing Olivia to turn, and glare at the screen, not aware who's behind the two way mirror.

She bangs loudly again, as Olivia stands and opens the door "Olivia, you need to get to the hospital" Casey says as Olivia comes into view

"Why? Is Alex okay?" Olivia worries

"You better check your voicemail Liv" Casey answers

"Casey? What's wrong with Alex?" Olivia says, putting her arm on Casey's shoulder

"I got a call from one of the doctors, she had a flashback and freaked out. She was screaming at me to call you. The doctor said she was holding a syringe and threatening to inject herself with it"

"No. I knew I shouldn't have left her" Olivia cries, dialling her voicemail

"Olivia? Olivia! I need you to come. Please" comes the distant but definite fearful voice of Alex through the phone

Olivia pales, her legs buckling beneath her. Casey grabs her waist, steadying her. "Come on, Liv. Let's go to Alex"

"I need to tell the Captain" Olivia says, going into detective mode, her walls being built back up as she rationalises. Her insides are screaming for her to go to Alex, but she knows that she can't just walk out without explaining.

Casey leads Olivia to Cragen's office, ignoring the questioning glances from Elliot and Fin

"Olivia? Casey?" Cragen asks, seeing the paled expression on his detective and the concern and worry evident through Casey's eyebrows.

"We need to go to Bellevue. Alex needs Olivia" Casey explains

"I can't be here Don. I just need to be with Alex. I'll take unpaid leave if I need to" Olivia explains

"Go. Don't worry, we can manage without you. Munch should be back tomorrow. I'll call you later, or tomorrow" Cragen said sighing, he was concerned for Alex even if he had a squad to lead. He had grown to class the squad as family, and would always have their backs.

* * *

Olivia ran through the corridor of the psych word at Bellevue Hospital, towards the room where she had left Alex the previous evening, Casey following behind, trying to calm the detective down.

"Dr Ryan!" Olivia called, noticing the Doctor treating her girlfriend standing outside Alex's room

"Miss Benson" he addressed the brunette

"What happened?" Olivia asked, needing to hear the full story

"It seems Alex had a flashback, I was trying to coax her out of it, when she flew into a rage, and ran into the medical room, grabbing a syringe"

"You went in her room while she was having a flashback?" Casey asked, looking questionably at Olivia

"She bolted when I approached her" he said in a matter of a fact

"Are you stupid?" Olivia raged "She was raped and cut by a man and when she's remembering and is terrified out of her mind, you enter, you went near her and scared her shitless"

"I was trying to calm her down"

"It didn't work did it?" Olivia said pointing at Alex. As she noticed the blonde, she gasped. Alex was sitting in a ball staring into space, her shoulders trembling. Olivia noticed fresh bandages on the blonde's wrist, and an untouched tray of food in front of her

"She put her arm through the glass cabinet" he explained, noticing the concerned look Olivia had painted on her face "and she refuses to eat"

"My gosh" Casey breathed, looking at her friend. Her heart broke at the sight of Alex, looking fragile and weak

"Can I go in?" Olivia asked, and Dr Ryan nodded

Opening the door, Casey gave Olivia a small smile of encouragement before she sat down in the chair, glaring at Dr Ryan.

"Alex?" Olivia whispered as she gingerly took a step to the blonde, who looked up, before dissolving into tears. Olivia ran to her side, taking her in her arms "I'm here. I'm right here and I'm not leaving you again"

After a few minutes of silent sobbing, Alex's breath calmed and her tears began to dissolve "I'm sorry"

"Hey, it's okay. You were scared Al, I know" Olivia said soothingly, rubbing small circles across the blonde's back. She took Alex's hand in her own, caressing the skin with her thumb, before running her hand gently over the bandages on Alex's wrist

"It hurts" Alex whispered, wincing as Olivia's thumb contacted with the stitched up cuts through the bandage

"Oh Alex" Olivia whispered, her mind losing its ability to form words and speak them

They sat for a little while, wrapped in each other, when Alex spoke "It felt so real. Like it was happening again"

"You mean the flashback" Olivia asked and Alex nodded

"I was so scared, and then I heard a voice but it wasn't yours. He was coming towards me, talking but I just felt trapped. I wanted to get away, to you. I knew it was Dr Ryan but he kept moving towards me"

"What happened to your wrists Alex?" Olivia knew what Dr Ryan had told her, but she just needed to hear Alex's words

"I'm sure Dr Ryan told you" Alex said, she really didn't want to explain

"No, you tell me"

"I punched the glass cabinet" Alex said

"Why?"

"Because I wanted to. It felt good" Alex said, emotionless

"But you told me it hurts"

"It does. Now"

"Alex, baby. Please don't. Have you spoken to the counsellor today?"

"No"

"Were you meant to?"

"I guess, but they had to sedate me"

"You were lashing out Alex"

"I know"

"Alex, talk to me baby, please. Tell me what you're thinking, feeling, I want to understand"

"You can't. You weren't raped"

"No, I wasn't, you're right and I won't understand fully, but it helps to talk. You know that"

Alex shrugs, looking at the food on the plate, she feels hungry, her body is asking for food but she just wants control over something and food is as good a thing as any

"You hungry Al?" Olivia asked, noticing Alex's gaze

"No"

"Why do you keep looking at the tray then?"

"I dunno"

"Try something"

"It looks disgusting" Alex says

Olivia chuckles, it truly doesn't look appetising

"Do you want me to get you something? Pizza, pasta, chicken…what do you fancy?"

"Don't leave me Olivia" Alex says, grabbing Olivia's arm

"I won't. Casey's outside, she'll go get it"

"Casey?" Alex asked

"Yeah, she drove me here. I was so scared Alex, when I heard you over the voicemail"

"Why didn't you answer?" Alex asks

"I was questioning a suspect Alex" Olivia says "but I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere. If I have to sleep on the floor, I will. I'm sorry I left you"

"It's okay" Alex shrugged, she just felt drained, yawning, she whispered "I'm tired"

"Then sleep Alex. I'll get Casey to get you something, what do you fancy?"

"Can I have potato chips?"

"Is that all you want Alex. You know you need to eat, that drip only gives you so much" Olivia questions, glancing at the liquid being fed into Alex

"I just…Don't force me Olivia"

"Okay, okay. It's just that I'm worried about you Alex, you know that. I love you so much and I hate seeing you hurting like this"

"I know, I know. I'm trying"

Olivia sighs, Alex might say that she's trying but to Olivia it doesn't feel like it. Alex hasn't gotten any better over two days, in fact she's gotten worse and it hurts Olivia to see this shell of a woman that used to be so strong, feisty and at times cocky.

Getting up, Olivia smiled sweetly at the blonde, as she stuck her head around the door "Casey, you couldn't get us some potato chips could you?"

"Of course. Is she okay?"

Olivia sighed and shrugged, hoping that would be enough for Casey to go on until Olivia could talk properly

Casey smiled, and nodded her understanding.

"Olivia?" Alex whispered

"Yes baby?"

"Kiss me"

"Alex?" Olivia questioned raising an eyebrow

"Kiss me, please" Alex urged "I just want you to kiss me"

"I don't want to make you have a flashback" Olivia explained

"I need to feel normal Olivia. Please"

Olivia leaned down, tentatively, searching Alex's eyes for any sign of discomfort. She continued to look directly into the blonde's eyes as she let her lips graze Alex's gently. Alex murmured her approval, closing her eyes "Mmm" urging Olivia to deepen the kiss, she brought her hands to Olivia's cheeks. Olivia brought her hands up to rest lightly above Alex's breasts. Alex gasped at the contact, tensing up. Olivia broke the kiss "Alex? Open your eyes baby"

Alex slowly opened her eyes, she gave a small smile, to ease Olivia's worry "That was good" she murmured.

"It was?" Olivia asked, tentatively

Alex nodded "It was a good feeling"

"You tensed when I touched you, I'm sorry" Olivia offered

"It was okay, it just felt different"

"Different how?"

"Good. You're so gentle Olivia"

Olivia nodded, wrapping her arm around Alex as the door opened and Dr Ryan entered, Alex recoiled from Olivia, wide eyed

"Hey Alex, it's okay. Its just Dr Ryan"

"I know" Alex whispered "I'm okay"

"Hey Alex. How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay" Alex answered, leaning into Olivia again, who returned the arm around the blonde's shoulder

"I've got good news, Your blood work came back fine, you don't have any STD's and you're not pregnant" he told Alex

Hearing these words, Alex took a gentle breath and gave a small smile "Thank you"

"You're welcome. The counsellor is coming by in a little while"

Alex nods, and Olivia gives her shoulder a gentle squeeze as Dr Ryan exits the room.

Alex sighs, and buries her head into Olivia's shoulder

"You okay?" Olivia asks quietly

"I'm scared" Alex whispers

"What are you scared of sweetie?"

"Talking"

"Don't be scared, it's going to help"

"How? I'm still going to be terrified he's coming back, I'm still going to wish I did things differently. Why didn't I call you, Casey, Elliot, I could of called 911, someone. I could have told you, but I showered all the evidence away. Even if we find out who it is, somehow. We can't prove it. I'm scared Olivia, scared of what he's going to do"

"Oh Alex, don't beat yourself up about it. It happened and you did what you did, we can't change that. But I promise you, I'll be here for you now. I should have known something was wrong, I should have seen, but I didn't"

"No Olivia. Don't blame yourself, please. Please, I've got enough to cover us both, please don't" Alex whispered, looking up at Olivia

Just then there was a knock "It's Casey"

"Is it okay?" Olivia asked Alex who nodded "Come in Case"

"I got you potato chips" Casey said handing Alex the packet

"Thanks" Alex whispered, her self-consciousness showing as she curled her legs to her chest, and hid her arms from view

Casey noticed but didn't say anything, instead she said "Abbie says Hi"

Alex nodded, acknowledging the statement, giving a small smile "Tell her I said Hi back"

"I will do. How are you feeling Alex?"

"I'm okay" Alex whispered, opening the bag of potato chips, if she ate while they were talking, maybe it would distract them all from watching her but neither Casey or Olivia attempted to continue the conversation

"Don't watch me" Alex said, as she chewed a couple of potato chips

"Sorry" Olivia said, turning her head away from Alex

Alex sighed loudly, pushing the bag away "Can I be alone a minute?"

"Alex?" Olivia asked

"Please. I just…can't with you here"

"We'll be outside" Casey said, pulling Olivia with her. She had seen the begging look Alex had given them, and knew that the blonde was struggling with them there.

Outside Olivia looked at Alex through the window, who was holding the potato chips in her hands, staring ahead at Olivia

"Liv. Don't watch her. She needs you to trust her" Casey said

Olivia turned hesitantly "I'm just scared for her"

"She'll get through this, okay? She's Alex, she won't give up without a fight. I know she's finding it hard, but she needs you to understand, she needs you to give her space when she asks and be there when she asks"

Alex ate the potato chips slowly, _"I can do this. I can beat this. I'm not going to give up. I just need to eat, I just need to talk. I'm going to be okay, it's going to be okay"_ even as she told herself this, Alex couldn't help but think of the man who made her like this. She realised before Olivia arrived, that she knew him, she knows who he is. But she needs to find him, to prove what he did, to prove it was him.

**Uh oh! Who is he? And what is Alex going to do?**


	6. Alex's Plan

**A.N: Just a short filler chapter before the drama begins. I'm not feeling too good, but am only working half a day tomorrow so if I feel up to it, I'll try and write the next chapter and post it tomorrow.**

**Thank you for the continued support.**

**Chapter 5 - Alex's Plan**

Alex has been in the hospital for 3 days now. She's eating three times a day, not full meals but enough that she doesn't have to have the drip connected all the time. She's talking to a counsellor twice a day and beginning to open up. Olivia has been there throughout it, only leaving once Alex is asleep. Today though, Alex told Olivia to go home, shower, get some proper sleep.

Olivia was reluctant but Alex had been improving, so she agreed. A shower would be nice but she wouldn't be away for long.

Alex knew she need to put her plan to action, Olivia had brought her laptop to her a couple of days ago and Alex had tracked HIM down, but she just needed some time to escape, to get out of the hospital. She'd planned to take a walk in the gardens, she was no longer considered a risk to herself so she didn't need an aid. Good job because yesterday she'd found a gap in the fence, and she'd be ready to make her escape. Alex had also been allowed to relieve herself of the gown, and wear her own clothes, so slipping some money into her jeans pocket, with her mobile phone. She tells the nurse that she was going to get some fresh air.

Alex strolls around the garden for a little while, as not to draw attention to her plans. Standing by the gap in the fence, she notices that there are only a handful of people out there, no one is paying attention to her. Now is the time to make her escape.

Squeezing through the gap, she checks no-one has seen her as she casually strolls down the street. This was the main reason she'd been eating, so she was strong enough for this, so that her body could take the exercise and whatever it was that might be coming to it. She'd cut a few times, but only on her thighs which was why she was grateful to be allowed out of the gown.

As she hopped onto the bus, heading for Brooklyn, where she knew she'd find him Alex began to grow anxious. She was terrified of what she was getting herself into but she also knew, it was the only way to prove what he'd already done.

Olivia sighed as she approached Alex's room. Pushing open the door, she called "Lex?" but received no answer, the nurse at the desk approached the room "Alex said she was heading to the gardens, about…oh, about half an hour ago. I haven't seen her come back yet"

Olivia looked out of the window, which overlooked the gardens, scanning the area, she panicked when she couldn't see Alex "I can't see her"

"Oh" the nurse said joining Olivia, looking out of the window

Olivia noticed Alex's laptop open, her brow furrowed when she saw the Google search for Evan Higgins, as then she realised that he was related to Eleanor. She noticed a pile of papers, which showed transactions from Evan's bank account to a sex store, as well as a receipt for a black ski mask.

It was then that it clicked, remembering Alex telling her about the rape and how he was wearing a ski mask. This man, who was somehow related to Eleanor, was her rapist. And Alex was missing

"What are you going to do Alex?" she whispered, the fear building inside her

"What is it Miss Benson?" the nurse eyes raising an eyebrow

"Alex knows who raped her and I think she's gone to confront him"

"Oh gosh" the nurse said "I thought she was doing better"

Olivia nodded, she was worried for Alex. _Was she really doing better or was this all an act to get out of here, to have more freedom so she could escape?_

Olivia grabbed her phone, and dialled her captains cell "Captain? Its Olivia, I need an address, well a couple, can you get me Evan Higgins home address and work address?"

"Why, who is he?"

"Alex's rapist, I think. Alex has gone, and I think she's gone to confront him"

"Jesus, okay. I'll email them through ASAP, I'll get Elliot to come and get you"

"Okay" Olivia said, she hadn't wanted to involve Elliot, or any of the guys in this, but Cragen had advised her to tell them about Alex. They were all shocked, but they had promised to be there for the pair, and Olivia was grateful for that.

Heading down, Olivia needed to know more about this Evan, so she called Casey

"Casey. Who's Evan?"

"Evan? The only Evan I know is/was Eleanor's twin. Why?"

"I think he raped Alex" Olivia said

"What? Did Alex tell you that?"

"No. Alex has gone missing. She went for a walk in the garden but she's gone. Her laptop is open to a Google Search on this Evan and she has receipts from his bank, and a receipt showing purchase of a black ski mask. She told me, he wore a mask"

"Oh my goodness" Casey said "You think she's gone looking for him?"

"Yes. Elliot's on his way"

"I hope you find her Olivia. Call me when you do?"

"I will, I will. Oh Casey, I thought she was improving but what if the eating was just so she could get out of here?"

"She'll be okay Olivia"

"I don't believe it right now, but thanks"

"Call me okay?"

"Okay. Casey, I need you to get the tapes from her office"

"This is like déjà vu Liv" Casey acknowledges

"I know, I know. I don't think they will show us anything, but…we can try"

"I'll see what I can do"

"Thanks"

Olivia cuts off the call as Elliot comes around the corner, in the sedan.

As Olivia climbs in, he says "He's not at work today, He lives in Brooklyn"

As Elliot drives through the streets of Manhattan towards the Brooklyn Bridge, Olivia wonders where Alex is, she silently prays that Alex doesn't find Even before they do, she's tried calling Alex but her cell must be switched off because it keeps going over to voicemail. Olivia has left a message each time, begging Alex not to go and find him, begging her to call her back, always remembering to tell the blonde that she loves her, in the hope that Alex will hear this before anything bad happens.

* * *

Meanwhile Alex is standing outside Evan's apartment. Reaching out a hand, she knocks carefully. Within seconds the door opens. A tall man with dark eyes appears, and smiles "I wondered when you'd realise it was me"

"Evan" Alex says, braver than she feels "Can I come in?"

He grabs her by the hand "We're going to have some fun Blondie"

**Oh no! Will Olivia and Elliot get to Alex in time? Review please**


	7. Survive or Sacrifice

**A.N: I finally had time to write this chapter. **

**Trigger Warning: Scene deals with rape in a graphic context.**

**What did you think of the Season Premiere? How brave is Benson? Oh my goodness, I was completely drawn to it, she has balls. She really is "Bad Ass Benson". I know she'll have issues still, and I hope she keeps seeing the therapist. But WOW, what an episode...**

**Chapter 6- Survive or Sacrifice**

Alex is shaking like a leaf, she's alone, but he'll be back, she knows he will. He's tied her to the bed, spread eagle, arms bound with rope and legs tied accordingly. He's shredded her jeans, ripped her blouse and she's sporting a bloody nose and split lip. _"Why did I come here?"_ she asks herself.

"Having fun are we?" he snarls as he enters the room. She was right, she knew he'd return. The thing about Evan Higgins is, when he wants something, he normally gets it. Alex has seen this side of him before, the side that doesn't stop until the goal is achieved. When she was dating Eleanor, he would always call up his sister for money, or for a lift and he's always get it, without fail.

Alex shakes her head, she doesn't want to talk, doesn't want to rile him any further.

"That's a shame Blondie. Eleanor said you were a real barrel of laughs, maybe she was being sarcastic. You remember Eleanor don't you, the woman you murdered"

"I didn't kill her Evan" Alex says defensively. _"So much for keeping my mouth shut"_ she thinks to herself. He has that effect on people; he knows what's going to break them.

"You may as well as. You put her in prison, I'm not letting you do that to me" he growls, leaning in close. His breath is boozy and smells of stale cigarettes. It makes her stomach heave, as she fights to control it.

"I wouldn't be so sure" Alex taunts back, sounding stronger than she really feels. Inside, she's terrified, questioning her reasons for coming, questioning every move she's made until now.

He slaps her hard around the face and spits at her "Paybacks a bitch right". Resting his hands on her shoulders, he straddles her, unzipping his pants and pulling out his erection. Grinning, he covers her mouth, and forces himself inside.

Alex cries out, her screams muffled by his hand, as he thrusts in and out in a steady rhythm. She tugs at the ropes tying her wrists, and attempts to kick her feet, but she's hopeless. Her body is forced to stay still, to react, and to feel every thrust.

She closes her eyes, she doesn't want to see his face, she knows he's enjoying it, she knows that looking at him will just make it worse. She tries to block it out, but it's impossible. The pain is unbearable as his penis rubs against her dry walls.

It feels like forever until he finishes, emptying himself into her, and collapses with a grunt.  
"You felt good Blondie" he whispers "Better than I remember"

All Alex can do is turn her head to the side as she vomits in disgust. Her body completely shutting down to its survival skills, she's giving up, as he laughs menacingly before kissing her hard on the lips.

"You'll enjoy it next time, or I won't be so forgiving" he taunts, sauntering off out of the room as he tapes her mouth.

Alex lets the tears fall, she tugs at the ropes, but they are beginning to dig in, and she knows that they are beginning to break the skin, it feels good because she knows this was a stupid mistake, coming here in the first place, she needs punishing.

He returns, completely naked, his erection still showing, as he laughs at her discomfort. "Oh, keep still Blondie. I'm going to untie you, if you fight, I'll kill you"

He holds up a large steak knife, and as it glints in the light, Alex knows, that was not an empty threat.

He unties her legs first, then straddles her, his erection pushing on her stomach as he unties her wrists "Turn over" he orders. Alex complies out of fear, she wants to live, she wants to see Olivia again, she'll do whatever he asks, if it means she can see the brunette that she loves so much

He re-ties her, as she lays face down on the bed "Fun time" he whispers into her ear, as he pushes into her, harder than before. He begins a steady rhythm but before long he speeds up, thrusting hard and fast, leaning back. Alex tries to cry out, but the tape across her mouth restricts the sound.

He's grunting and groaning in ecstasy as he edges closer to his climax, while Alex tries to stop her body from reacting. He pulls out, coming round to where her head is, ripping off the tape he says "Finish me" before shoving himself into her face

Alex bites her lips, trying to keep her mouth closed, he grabs the knife, bringing it to her breasts "I told you not to fight" he says, before making a thin incision across her left breast.

Alex closes her eyes, and allows him into her mouth, gagging as he pushes himself fully into her. He makes a grunting sound before she tastes him, as he disperses himself into her mouth. She vomits as he pulls out and he slaps her "I told you, you'd enjoy it" he warns, slapping her again.

"I'm going out, don't move. If you do, I'll kill you" he says, dressing. He slams the door, locking it.

Alex cries, she's still face down, her body beginning to hurt like hell. Her inside's hurting, her mouth tastes of him and it causes her to vomit again, and again.

Alex wants to try and escape but she can barely keep her eyes open, she can barely breathe, she's vomited until her throat is stinging, her body convulsing violently with the cold air and the shock of what's happening. She slips into unconsciousness.

20 minutes later, Evan returns. "I'm back, Blondie" he calls as he enters, and smiles when he sees her still on the bed, not a muscle moving

"Maybe this time, you'll like it" he whispers, and he unzips himself.

"Police! Stay where you are!" Elliot shouts as he enters the room.

Evan freezes, he wasn't expecting this, and it was pretty naïve of him, _"Was this all a set up?"_

"Raise your hands above your head" Elliot orders stepping forward, he grabs hold of Evan and handcuffs his hands behind his back. He drags the man out of the room as Olivia enters. Seeing Alex, her legs buckle but she manages to keep herself standing, as she dials for a bus.

"Alex?" she says, untying the blonde

"Olivia, stop a minute. Here, where these" Elliot says tossing her a pair of gloves, she pulls them on

"Where is the bastard?" she asks

"Fin and Munch have him. Captain called them"

Olivia nods, untying the blonde, and cradling her in her arms "What did he do to you Alex?" she whispers noticing the gash across her breast. She also notices the cuts littering her thighs that she knows were made by Alex. It breaks her heart to know that Alex wanted this to happen, she came here, knowing what he'd do, but still she put herself in the position.

* * *

"Olivia!" Casey calls down the hospital corridor, seeing Olivia standing, peering into a room

"Case" Olivia cries, falling into the red head's arms "He raped her again"

"Jesus, what was she thinking?" Casey questions, looking at Alex

"God knows" Olivia says, through her tears

"How is she?"

"She's sleeping at the moment. She's a bit bruised but otherwise she's physically okay, she has a gash on her breast where he cut her, a few bruises on her face and she's got a cut lip. But she's got scars on her thighs that may have been made yesterday, Case. She seemed to be getting better, but I think it was just a ploy to get out"

Casey doesn't know what to say, she cannot believe that the blonde laying in the bed is the Alex that she worked with. Seeing the downward spiral that Alex descended was one thing, but to see her like this, looking so lifeless, and broken and to know that she went searching for it, Casey is in complete shock and has been rendered speechless.

"Come in with me?" Olivia asks, she wants the support, she needs someone to be there, and she knows Alex would want Casey there

Casey nods as she follows Olivia into the room

"Oh Alex" she whispers looking at the blonde properly. Olivia sinks into the chair, taking Alex's hand, while Casey stands sits beside her, with her arm around the brunette's shoulders

"How will she get passed this?" Olivia asks

"She will" Casey says, more confidently than she feels, but she knows how important it is to hope, to believe and give Olivia support and guidance

"Olivia" Alex croaks out, her eyes flickering open

"Hey you. I'm right here sweetie"

"I'm sorry" Alex whispers

"Its okay, it's okay. Just rest" Olivia says calmly, stroking up Alex's arm

"Did you get him?"

Olivia nods "Yes"

"Good, I hope he rots in hell" Alex says, pulling herself up

"Hey" Casey says as Alex smiles, acknowledging the red head

"Casey, how are you?" Alex asks

"Now I know you're safe, much better" Casey smiles

"I am really sorry. I just needed to get proof it was him"

"Why didn't you talk to me?" Olivia asks, she isn't sure that now is the time but Alex instigated the conversation, she drew attention to the topic

"Because you would have stopped me"

"Damn right I would have. He could have killed you!" Olivia said, she wasn't really angry, she was just frightened, and hadn't really managed to address it

"I know. Olivia, I really am sorry"

"It's okay Alex. You just need to get better now" Casey said, trying to break the anger up

"I am, I'm fine. I want to come home" Alex said, boldly

"Al, you've just been raped. You've been in a psych ward for 5 days, and you're still cutting" Olivia says, her eyebrows furrowing, she can't understand why Alex isn't crumbling

"I know that. But I needed to do this, I needed to get proof it was him, I needed closure. I'm fine, I swear. Yes, he raped me, and yes, I'm sure I'm going to have nightmares, but I did this, I made this happen and I don't blame myself, I feel stronger now, than I ever did"

"Alex…" Olivia starts but is cut off by the blonde

"It's new years eve... I want to go home, and be with my wonderful girlfriend"

"I'll go and get the doctor" Casey says, moving towards the door. As she slips out, Olivia turns to Alex

"It's okay not to be okay Al. You don't have to pretend for me. I want you to get better. I thought you were, but you've still been cutting, and you went to your rapists' home, and he raped you again. How many times Alex?"

"Twice" Alex whispers "But I'm okay"

"Alex, stop pretending, please. You can come home, but you need to see someone, and you need to let me in"

"I can come home?" Alex asks, eyes wide

"Yes, but you need to talk to me. If you want to cut, tell me, before you do. You need to eat, and you need to wake me if you have nightmares. You need to do this, or you'll go Bellevue. Promise me?"

"I promise, I swear Liv"

"Right" Olivia says, she's not convinced and she can't understand how the blonde can say she's okay

**Please review. What do you think will happen now? Is Alex really okay and will she crumble? What should Olivia do? How should they see in the new year?**


	8. Trying to Understand

**A.N: After posting the last chapter I received some reviews and I'd like to take a minute to address them. As always thank you to Dragonsprit and peterpeter for the continuing support and reviews.**

**I received many negative reviews, but I thank you too, because you've taken time to read the story, and been honest. I was told to put a trigger warning on this story by a guest review, but if you've read the synopsis, I state that the story deals with scenes of a violent nature, self harm and eating disorders. And consider this another warning.**

**A lot of the reviews said that Alex was ASKING for it, well, a victim NEVER and I will repeat, NEVER "asks for it". Alex is dealing with a lot of issues, and her mind is not rational, her thought process is not clear.**

**A lot of you don't like that I change the characters, but while this is fan fiction, it is also a story and fiction…so it's not real. Maybe it's slightly AU but I am the author, and you don't have to read it. If you don't like it, fair enough, don't read.**

**Okay, now I've got that out of the way. On with the story, (I won't stop writing because of a few bad reviews)**

** Chapter 7 - Trying to Understand**

"How are you feeling Alex?" the young woman asks

"What am I expected to say?" Alex asks. She is sitting stiffly on the bed, and the counsellor is perched in a chair, her glasses on the edge of her nose, as she looks over them, rather than through them. Alex really doesn't want to be doing this, but she knows she needs to.

"The truth" the woman offers

"I don't know" Alex answers, truthfully "I know I went there, but I don't know why now. I thought I could get the proof, by talking, maybe it was naïve of me, stupid even but at the time, I just wanted to rectify my weakness, my lack of judgement the first time round"

"What do you mean by that?"

"I should have told someone what happened, but I didn't, I know I shouldn't have washed away the evidence, but I wasn't thinking"

"You blame yourself for letting it get as far as it did"

"Yes. I don't know if with the support, I'd have dealt with it differently, I don't know if I wouldn't have started cutting or not eating"

"How do you feel about those things now?"

"If you're asking if I want to cut, then I do but the difference is, then I had no choice but to raped, this time, if I hadn't of gone there, I wouldn't have subjected myself to it again"

"So you wanted control"

"It's always about control. I know it was stupid of me to go looking for him, but once I realised I knew who he was, I needed to prove it. I know he was wearing a ski mask when he raped me in my office, so he wouldn't be recognised on any security tapes, I washed away the evidence so I had no proof it was him, but I knew it was…"

"Why didn't you tell someone?"

"Because I wanted to know I wasn't weak"

"And how do you feel now?"

"I am weak in some sense, but I'm also strong"

"Can you explain that?"

"I was weak to let it get to me so much, but I am strong enough to have made sure that he's going to get punished"

"You said you wanted to go home, is that a wise decision?"

"I don't know. I want to go home, but I know that it's not all going to be easy"

"I'm hesitant to clear you, because I know you still want to hurt yourself, and I'm worried about how you'll cope. You're not in the right frame to make those decisions"

"I'm not crazy. I know what I'm saying; I know it's not going to be as easy as going home and starting again with life. But I need Olivia, I'll continue therapy, counselling, anything, but I can't stay here"

"I don't think you're crazy Alex, but I do think that maybe you should have a few more days here at least, until you can be sure that you're not going to have another breakdown"

"Can you force me to stay here?" Alex asks, she knows the answer, she's an attorney, and she's not completely stupid. She's more rational, more in control now than she was.

"You know I can. Well, I can suggest you stay here and the doctors can take that advice, but I'm not going to do that. I'm going to say that while staying here will benefit you, if you continue with therapy and counselling every day on an outpatient basis, you can get better at home. I understand that you're girlfriend is an NYPD Detective with the Special Victims Unit?"

"Olivia" Alex nods

"Well, I'll give my report to the doctors. You take care Alex, and I'll see you tomorrow"

The woman leaves, and Alex knows that she was considering making Alex stay here.

Olivia enters the room "Alex?"

"Hey Olivia. I'm going home, I think"

"Do you really think its wise Alex? I'm not doubting you; I just don't know what's going on in your head. What were you thinking when you went to his place?"

"I wasn't. I just thought maybe I could get him to admit it, I didn't know he'd…"

"Rape you?" Olivia offers

Alex nods; she can't understand why she is unable to say it to Olivia. And Olivia can't understand why Alex is pretending to be okay.

The doctor knocks on the door, "Miss Cabot. Dr Jefferson has cleared the psych evaluation on you, but you are aware that you need to attend sessions every day, at Midday, and that at any point where she believes you are not managing on an outpatient basis, you can be re-admitted"

"I do, I understand"

"She also thinks it's advisable that Miss Benson here, comes with you to the appointments, and that you are both open about how you are coping"

Alex and Olivia exchange glances and both nod "We'll do that" Olivia answers

"Okay, you're free to go then Miss Cabot"

Alex lets out a sigh of relief, even though it's coupled with fear and anxiety.

* * *

Olivia opens the door to their apartment, allowing Alex to take the first step inside. She watches the blonde gaze around, as she begins making coffee "I'm just going to lay down for a bit" Alex says, giving Olivia a small smile before making her way to the bedroom

Olivia pours the water into the mugs, and butters a bagel which she places on a plate. Taking it into the bedroom, she hears quiet sobbing and realises that Alex has let her guard down.

"Al?" she whispers, taking a seat beside the blonde on the bed "its okay honey"

Alex sobs harder, letting out all the emotion that she's being trying to keep inside for the last few hours. "I'm so stupid" she chokes out

"You lacked judgement but Alex, you've been through so much that it's understandable that you made a decision that you know wasn't the best" Olivia tries to explain

"I just wanted to prove it was him"

"And you did. Alex, this isn't your fault, you didn't ask for it. You weren't in the right frame of mind to make the decision, so don't go blaming yourself for it"

Alex composes herself, wiping the tears and sitting up "I'm just going to the bathroom" she whispers

"If you're going to go and cut, there aren't any razors"

"You removed them?" Alex asks wide eyed

"Of course I did Alex. You shouldn't be here, you should be at Bellevue"

"You think I'm crazy"

"No, I think you need help"

"You can help me. I'm going to see the counsellor every day, Olivia. I want to cut now, but I'd want to cut if I was there"

"You don't need to. Come on, sit back down, let's just cuddle okay?" Olivia says, reaching for Alex's hand.

Alex's complies, and nestles herself beside the brunette as they sit up against the headboard

"I buttered you a bagel Al" Olivia says, offering the blonde the plate

Alex is about to protest but knows that she needs to get better and eating is another step towards that. "Thanks" Alex smiles and takes a small bite.

She realises in that moment, that whatever happens with Evan, she's got Olivia, and she has her life, and that is enough. She finishes the bagel, Olivia smiles, glad that Alex is eating, and thinking that maybe, just maybe, things will be okay.

"How shall we celebrate the New Year?" Olivia asks

"Can we invite Casey and Abbie over?" Alex asks.

"I thought maybe you'd want it to be just us"

"Olivia, I'm not ready to be intimate" Alex whispers, barely loud enough for Olivia to hear

"Gosh, I know that. I wasn't suggesting, I just thought we could snuggle, watch a movie, watch the fireworks out the window"

"That sounds good. Sorry, I was just trying to break this tension Olivia. You're too worried about me, and I need you to act normally"

"I'm sorry. I am worried, and it scares me, you scare me Alex" Olivia says, looking directly at Alex, a tear sliding down her cheek

"How?" Alex asks, she's not used to seeing Olivia like this

"I'm worried you're going to break, you're acting too calm after what you've been through. You're acting like the Alex before we became a couple, the Alex that pretends nothing fazes her, but I know that's not really you. I'm just waiting for you to crumble, and it scares me. I thought you were going to die Boxing Day, that scared me, and I didn't see what was happening to you, and now I'm just waiting for it again"

Alex begins to cry, she didn't realise what she was doing, how it made Olivia feel back then, and how scared she must have been when she realised where Alex had gone

"I'm sorry" Alex says quietly

"Don't be Al. I know you were hurting, I'm just concerned"

"I'm okay Olivia. I set myself up, without realising it, and it was stupid. But I was getting better, I was gaining control"

"You were still cutting" Olivia says, placing a hand gently on the blonde's thigh, indicating the scars hidden underneath the garment of clothing

"It isn't going to stop just like that Olivia. I can't just forget about it, but with you, I can manage it, and I'm trying"

"I know you are"

"It's going to take time, but I'm not going to break Olivia. I'm not going back there" Alex says defiantly

"Okay. Try and sleep a little Alex. If we want to see the New Year in then we need a little rest" Olivia said, sliding down the bed.

Alex copies the action but while Olivia closes her eyes and drifts into sleep, Alex lays awake, staring at the ceiling. She won't switch off just yet, she's afraid of the nightmares that she knows are likely to come.

**Review please, if you are still interested in this story. I'm debating on whether to continue. Not because of the reviews, but because I've lost direction on it.**

**(I'm not in the best place in my own head right now, which might account to why this piece became so dark; it wasn't really intended like that)**


	9. New Year

**A.N: I wasn't sure about continuing this, but I'm gonna give it a try.**

**Thanks to IBME for your total support. **

**Chapter 8 - New Year**

Olivia opens her eyes, she notices the blond sitting beside her "You didn't sleep"

Alex shakes her head "I couldn't" she acknowledges

"Oh baby, the nightmares" Olivia realises "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You needed to sleep Liv. I'm fine"

"Come on, let's go watch a movie or something" Olivia suggests, taking Alex's wrist with her hand. Alex flinches, and hisses in pain "What did you do?"

"Nothing, come on" Alex quickly shoots the question down darting into the living room.

Olivia feels the tears pricking her eyes, as she follows the blonde "Al?"

"What do you want to watch?" Alex asks, subconsciously pulling the sleeves of her sweater over her hands

"I want you to talk to me Alex"

"Okay, what shall we talk about? How's Elliot?" Alex says, taking a seat but not looking at the brunette

"Damn it Alex, look at me. I want to talk about what you did while I was sleeping. Show me" Olivia almost demands

"I just watched you sleep" Alex says, still unable to meet the gaze of her girlfriend

"Say you didn't cut while you look at me properly Alex. You can't…show me"

"I…Liv, I…" Alex is unable to voice what she wants to say, she can't deny what she's done but she doesn't want to acknowledge it either, she already feels guilty.

"It's okay Alex. I'm sorry I was so harsh. Why didn't you wake me?"

"You need to sleep"

"So do you and I know you're scared of the nightmares, but Alex, you didn't need to hurt yourself. Show me, please" Olivia adds the request quietly and softly

Alex slowly rolls up her sleeve, wincing as the fabric sticks to the drying cuts

"Oh Al…let me grab the first aid box"

Alex knows how much Olivia is trying to stay focused, trying not to get too upset by Alex's actions but she also knows how much she's hurting the brunette. And it makes her angry at herself…she pushes her fingers into the cuts "weak, stupid, selfish" she chants over and over, quietly to herself.

"Alex" Olivia says wearingly as she returns "Stop…you're not weak, or stupid and you are not selfish"

Olivia takes Alex's hand, cleaning the cuts with the wash cloth, and lightly bandaging them. She takes Alex's hand to her lips and kisses her knuckles "I love you" she whispers

"I love you too" Alex softly says back, leaning to kiss Olivia, but the brunette pulls away

"Are you sure?" she asks tentatively

"Just let me kiss you" Alex urges, pressing her lips to Olivia's in a soft kiss, conveying love and comfort. Olivia moans gently into the kiss, allowing Alex to control where it leads

When the need for air becomes greater than the need to be comforted, Alex pulls away

"I love you" Olivia repeats her previous words

Alex nods as she cuddles into Olivia "What shall we watch?"

"You choose. Alex, can we talk, please?"

"About…?"

"You…Alex, I need to know you'll wake me if you have nightmares, you'll tell me if you need to cut. I need to know you'll try, don't cut…please"

"I…okay" Alex says

"No, I need you to promise me and mean it this time. You promised before but you didn't wake me, you might want and feel you need to, but Alex, you don't and I want to be there, I don't want you to hurt yourself"

Alex nods, but she can't say those words Olivia wants to hear "I…just; it's not fair on you"

"Neither is you hurting yourself, Alex, it hurts me. Try, okay. Let me help"

"I promise" Alex barely whispers

Olivia nods, and pulls Alex closer into her embrace as Alex finds herself crying again. Olivia strokes the blonde's hair "I love you Alex and I am going to help you, we'll get through this together, I promise you, it's going to be okay"

"Who's prosecuting?" Alex asks

"Serena Southerlyn…Brooklyn SVU have taken the case, but they're good guys, it's just that it happened on their turf and we are too close to you to be impartial, but I think they have everything they need really, they have the evidence, your rape kit, they have him and Abbie said that Serena is a damn good attorney"

Alex smiles "She is"

"You know her?"

"Yeah, we've crossed paths a few times"

"I'm sure that you'll need to go over your statement with her, but it seems all in order"

Alex nods, she just wants to relax now. Olivia senses the change in Alex's posture and decides to change the subject "So what are we watching?"

Alex looks at the TV guide "I don't know…nothing catches my eye to be honest"

"How about we head to central park, watch the fireworks, sit under a tree, relax…breathe the air?"

"Sounds like a plan Liv. Maybe we could get some popcorn" Alex adds

"Sounds good" Olivia smiles, glad to see that Alex seems to be eating and instigating food.

"I'm trying Olivia, and eating is easier than stopping cutting" Alex says, aware of the brunette's thoughts

"Was I that obvious?"

"Just a little" Alex chuckles, it feels so good to laugh like that. She pulls Olivia in for a quick kiss, realising how easy it is this time to instigate romantic gestures, to be intimate with her girlfriend.

* * *

"This is nice" Alex says to Olivia as they sit underneath a large tree in Central Park, it's nearing 11pm, and the fireworks are due to start in about half an hour. The park is already buzzing with people out to celebrate the New Year.

"Yeah, it is" Olivia smiles, giving Alex a quick peck on the cheek, she doesn't want to push too far, knowing how tough it is for the blonde but also wanting to show Alex that she is loved.

"When are you going back to work?" Alex asks

"I don't know. Not until you're better"

"I'll be okay if you want to go back" Alex says quietly

Olivia shakes her head "We've got to see the therapist/counsellor every day Al, how would that work?"

"Oh. I forgot about that" Alex says, her brow furrowing, why did she ask Olivia about work, she knew they had to see the counsellor, didn't she? Alex sighs with confusion, wringing her hands together in nervousness

Olivia places her hand over Alex's "Relax baby" she whispers

Alex nods, sighing again, resting her hands beside her. Her body tense and unsure of its actions.

Olivia kisses Alex gently on the cheek again, but this time Alex flinches "Sorry" she whispers

"It's okay. Are you sure you want to stay here? We can go home if you want"

"I'm okay" Alex says.

They sit for a while in silence, Alex lost in her own thoughts and Olivia in hers, until they are pulled from them by a voice "Hey you two"

The Texas drawl of Abbie Carmichael startles Alex, who jumps, before bowing her head low, avoiding the gaze of her friend and Casey who has appeared at her side

"Didn't mean to startle you Alex" she says, raising an eyebrow at Olivia who gives a small smile

Casey shifts a little uncomfortably "It's nice to see you out Alex"

Alex smiles a little "Yeah" she whispers

Olivia places a hand on Alex shoulder, before lifting the blonde's chin upwards to look at her, silently asking the question and receiving a nod from the Blonde

"Want to join us?" Olivia asks

"You sure?" Casey questions and smiles when she sees Alex look up

"Positive. How are you both?" Alex answers as Casey and Abbie sit beside the couple; Abbie nestled between Casey's legs like Alex is Olivia.

"We're good" Abbie offers

"How's work?" Alex questions

"It's good" Casey answers.

They sit in silence for a little while. Casey and Abbie are slightly nervous of the silence and the awkwardness, and Olivia feels for them. Alex however is trying to keep her thoughts from escaping, as all she can think about is the upcoming trial, replaying the events of the day in her head…and the thought of cutting is prominent.

"Al?" Olivia whispers, noticing Alex rubbing her thighs and tugging her sleeves

Alex pauses, and removes her hand from her leg, finding Olivia's and giving it a squeeze for support. Olivia squeezes it back gently "You're okay" she whispers into the Blonde's ear

Casey glances at the couple beside her, as Abbie checks her watch. The fireworks will be starting in a little while.

"I'm hungry" Abbie announces "I'm going to grab something to eat. You want anything Case?" she asks looking up at her girlfriend

"Just grab me something" Casey tells her

"Olivia, Alex, you two want anything?" Abbie asks

Olivia shakes her head "I'm okay, Al?"

"I'll come with you" Alex offers, giving a small smile to Olivia as she moves from her position

Olivia nods, and glares at Abbie, silently giving warning to the younger brunette to tread carefully.

As the two young woman head off to the refreshment stands Casey turns to Olivia "How is she Liv?"

"She cut earlier" Olivia says, sighing

"Oh. You think she should be at Bellevue still?"

Olivia nods "I think she needs more than what I can give. We have to see the counsellor every day together, and if they think she's not coping, they can re-admit her. I guess they want me there to be honest about how she's doing"

"You think she's putting on a front?" Casey asks

"She didn't sleep earlier because she knew she'd have nightmares but I think she thought too much and that's why she cut"

"Did she tell you what she'd done?"

Olivia shakes her head "I touched her arm and I could tell it hurt. I just knew"

"Why did she go to his place Olivia?"

"Look, I don't want to break her confidence, maybe she'll tell you, maybe she won't but I can't talk to you about it, unless she gives me permission Case"

"I get you, its okay. I worry about her too you know"

"I know, I know. And I am sure she'll talk to you when she's ready Case"

Casey nods, as the first of the fireworks shoot skywards, lighting it up in pretty colours

Olivia smiles at the sight, as Alex comes back, the soft hue of the fireworks grazing her skin, and to Olivia, she looks beautiful.

Abbie nestles herself in place between Casey's legs, handing her a hot dog, as she bites into her own. Alex sinks into position in front of Olivia, and buries her head into her shoulder "Can we go?" she asks quietly

"You okay?" Olivia answers concernedly

Ales shakes her head and Olivia can sense that Alex is feeling overwhelmed. Her first thought it to confront Abbie about what she's said but looking at her with Casey, she guesses it's not anything she said, but more of how Alex is feeling inside.

"We're going to head off" Olivia tells their friends

"You okay Al?" Casey questions, noticing the extreme anxiousness in Alex's posture

Olivia gives Casey a small smile, as she wraps her arm around Alex's shoulders, and nods their goodbyes.

Casey raises her hand to her ear to indicate a "call me" gesture and Olivia nods in acknowledgment.

Olivia lets them into the apartment as the clock chimes to indicate midnight "Happy New Year" Olivia says quietly. Alex hasn't spoken since they left the park, and Olivia is afraid of what Alex is feeling.

"Happy New Year" Alex returns, falling into a chair as the first tear falls from her eyes

"Oh Al…what's wrong baby?" Olivia asks

Alex shakes her head "Just let me be a minute"

Olivia watches as Alex lets the emotion escape, she wants to comfort her, wrap the blonde in her arms and cry along with her but Alex asked for space and until she asks for comfort, Olivia will wait.

"Come here" Alex whispers after she's composed herself

Olivia takes a step towards the blonde but stops hesitantly…she doesn't know what Alex wants

"Liv…? I just want you to hold me…" Alex says, nervously

Olivia smiles, rushing to Alex side, and enveloping her into a hug "You okay?"

"Yeah…I'm alright baby…it's a New Year and time to move on" Alex says, and Olivia feels the sincerity in her girlfriends voice, she knows that Alex will try, and that together there is a chance for them.

"I love you Alex" Olivia whispers

Alex leans forwards and presses her lips to Olivia's, the kiss is deep and passionate and both women find themselves lost in the moment.

Olivia pulls back before she loses control, knowing that Alex will need time before they become any more intimate with each other.

**Review please...**


	10. Therapy

**A.N: Thank you for the kind reviews. Yes, there will be happier times to come, but this chapter deals with the first therapy session, and the events immediately before and after. **

**Trigger Warning: Talk about Self Harm and Eating Disorders in this chapter...please be aware and cautious when reading**

**Chapter 9 - Therapy**

Alex awoke with a start, the nightmare had been terrifying. She had managed to break it before Olivia woke, glancing at the brunette she sighed, running her hands through her hair. She had promised to wake Olivia if she'd had a nightmare but right now, looking at her, she couldn't do it. Olivia needed to sleep as much as she did, and it wouldn't be fair.

She tiptoed into the bathroom, and sat on the closed toilet lid. She felt herself getting anxious and she knew how she could calm her mind, and she needed to, but something inside her was stopping her from running into the kitchen and grabbing the knife, mentally chastising Olivia for not keeping any razors. But something was telling her that she shouldn't.

Standing up, she made her way back to the bedroom, and crawled under the covers beside Olivia, she snuggled up to the brunette and let the tears fall.

2 hours later the alarm went off, waking them both "Morning" Alex mumbled to Olivia as she felt the brunette move to stop the loud ringing.

"Good morning beautiful" Olivia smiled, giving Alex a kiss on the cheek "I'm gonna go start breakfast, you rest a little longer"

"Mmm" Alex half mumbled, half groaned as Olivia slipped from the bed and headed to the kitchen. She hated mornings, she always had, but the casual addition to food in the sentence wasn't welcoming.

Roughly 10 minutes later Olivia re-entered the room, she knelt beside Alex and gave her a gentle nudge "Breakfast in on the table, I'm gonna shower"

Alex opened her eyes and gave Olivia a half smile, before pulling herself up.

As Olivia showered, Alex sat at the kitchen table, staring at the pancakes…she had tried to rid these feelings but unlike not cutting earlier, this wasn't turning out to be as easy, she silently cursed herself for yesterday she had mentioned food and eaten like most normal people and now she was in this battle.

Olivia noticed the far of gaze of the blonde and the untouched breakfast, now undoubtedly gone cold. "Alex?"

Alex's head snapped up, her face blushing, and her body tensing as she fought to meet Olivia's eyes with her own, she mumbled incoherently and shook her head.

"Hey, it's okay. What would you like to eat?" Olivia asked gently

Alex shook her head and got up "I'm just going to shower Olivia" she said quietly

"Alex, it's okay. I don't expect it to be that easy honey. I'm not going to force breakfast, but we'll get lunch later and you'll try some" Olivia said, she knew she needed to be firm without being rude and overpowering

Alex gave a small shrug as she went for her shower.

* * *

Olivia held Alex's hand tightly as they entered the hospital. Both women were nervous, but had silently agreed that they'd support each other. On the journey, Alex had subconsciously begun rubbing her arms, and thighs, and Olivia had taken her hand and squeezed it, giving Alex a small smile. Olivia had run her fingers through her hair a few times and Alex had stilled the movements and given small kisses to the brunette's hand.

"Come in" Dr Jefferson smiled as he greeted them.

Olivia sits down, and Alex joins her, but keeps a relative distance. Olivia frowns, and touches the blonde's shoulder; Alex looks up as Olivia smiles at her and cocks her head in a commanding motion, letting Alex know to come a little closer.

Dr Jefferson watches the exchange and realises that there is a strong sense of security and love radiating from the two women.

"How are you feeling today Alex?" she asks

"I'm okay" Alex answers automatically

"Olivia?" Dr Jefferson asks

"I don't know okay means to Alex" she answers

"Tell me about after you left here" Dr Jefferson prompts, looking at the two women.

Alex silently begs Olivia not to tell him that she cut, but she knows it's not going to work as Olivia shakes her head

"We decided to have a sleep because we wanted to be awake for the New Year" Alex says

"Okay"

"She didn't sleep. She cut herself while I was sleeping" Olivia said as Alex scowled

"Can you tell me about that?" Dr Jefferson asks Alex

"What's to tell? I didn't want to sleep, and I needed to cut" Alex shifts uncomfortably beside Olivia and backs away when Olivia tries to calm her

"Olivia?" Dr Jefferson asks

"She didn't tell me what she'd done. She was scared of having nightmares"

"I can't do this!" Alex exclaims jumping up "It's like your conspiring against me…"

"Al, sit down baby" Olivia says quietly standing up and touching the blondes shoulder "We're just trying to help"

"Can I talk to you on my own?" Alex asks looking at Dr Jefferson

She nods, seeing that Alex wants to talk but is finding it hard in front of her girlfriend "Olivia, if you'll wait outside. I'll call you back in when we're ready"

Olivia wants to object, she doesn't understand why Alex can't talk in front of her, but instead she nods as she exits the room.

Alex sits back down, fighting the tears that she knows are coming, Dr Jefferson hands her a tissue

"Why did you need to speak to me without Olivia?" she asks

"It's like no-one trusts me. I know I haven't given reason to but it's just too crowding and I can't think straight"

"You seem angry at yourself"

"I cut yesterday, and I tried to hide it from Liv. I promised her that I would talk to her, but I didn't, and then earlier, I had a nightmare and I didn't wake her, I wanted to cut"

"Did you?"

"No"

"That's great Alex. Did you tell Olivia?"

"No, she was asleep"

"So you're angry because you keep breaking your promises to Olivia?" Dr Jefferson asks

"Yes"

Dr Jefferson makes notes, which makes Alex uncomfortable, and she shows it by shifting on the couch "I'm just evaluating, Al. You know I have to, so I'm just making notes so that I remember for next time"

Alex nods "I couldn't eat breakfast"

"You want to talk about that?"

"I thought food would be easier to control, but I was able not to cut, yet I couldn't eat"

"You feel like you're control is wavering in different areas"

"Yes"

"How are things intimately with you and Olivia?"

"It's too soon"

"For?"

"Sex" Alex whispers

"I agree, I would be worried if you'd already got to that. What about other activities, kissing…?"

"Yeah" Alex says, blushing, she hates these sorts of conversations with strangers.

"I'm just trying to gage your response to the trauma you've endured. You seem to be dealing with it remarkably well in that sense"

Alex just nods, because it doesn't make sense to her, how she can entertain being intimate with Olivia so soon after being raped when she's known and worked with victims who still struggle months and even years after their ordeal.

"Would you be okay to let Olivia back in?" Dr Jefferson asks

Alex nods, and wrings her hands nervously as Dr Jefferson calls Olivia back in

"Liv" Alex whispers as Olivia sits next to her. Olivia senses Alex's need and wraps her arm around the blonde shoulders

"I'm right here baby"

"I'm sorry" Alex sobs as her resolve shatters

After a little while, Alex is calmer and Dr Jefferson wants to press on, aware that the end of the session is drawing closer.

"Alex, do you want to tell Olivia?"

"About the nightmare she had last night…I know" Olivia says, looking directly at Alex "You didn't wake me"

"I…you were, hang on. How did you know?" Alex asks wide eyed

"You screamed out, it woke me, but before I could comfort you, you woke. I wanted to see what you did" Olivia says. Alex is trying to sense Olivia's thoughts on it, but can't feel anything.

"I'm sorry" Alex offers "I wanted to cut"

Olivia looks questionably at the blonde beside her, and then down to her arms "Al..." she starts but Alex stops her

"I didn't. I wanted to but I didn't" she whispers

Olivia looks across at Dr Jefferson who gives a small nod before standing "It's time to end it there but I'll see you both tomorrow"

* * *

Once in the car, Olivia looks over at Alex who is looking out of the window "Al" she says quietly.

Alex turns and gives Olivia a small smile "Let's grab lunch" she offers

"Okay" Olivia smiles "What do you fancy?"

"How about that little diner, near my office?" Alex asks

"Are you sure Al? We might see people"

"We'll see people anywhere we go Liv" Alex chuckles

Olivia glares at her "You know what I mean"

"I know. It's okay" Alex softens

"I'm proud of you" Olivia says, touching Alex's shoulder

"You're not angry?" Alex asks, flinching a little from the touch and then mentally slapping herself

"Never. Al, you didn't wake me but you dealt with it, and you dealt with it sensibly. You could have cut, but you didn't…what did you do in the bathroom?"

"I just sat and thought about it, I wanted to grab a knife, I wanted to bleed but I was able to tell myself somehow that I didn't need to. I don't know" Alex said honestly

"It's okay. You didn't, that's good enough" Olivia says as she turns on the ignition.

They drive to the diner in relative silence, and as they approach Alex tenses, she doesn't get why she's feeling like this, it's just food and she can eat, and she's choosing to, so why does it feel like she's doing something wrong.

"Al?" Olivia asks "We can go somewhere else if you prefer"

Alex thinks over the question a little, but then shakes her head "its okay" she smiles

Olivia gives a small smile back as she parks the car.

They enter the diner, and Alex finds a booth towards the back. Picking up the menu she scans the options, deciding on a small salad. _'That's simple. I can eat that'_ she tells herself as she points it out to Olivia.

Olivia orders the salad for Alex and a chicken club sandwich for herself, giving Alex's hand a squeeze across the table.

The food arrives and they eat in silence, Alex taking small bites and Olivia offering a few smiles of encouragement every so often.

Just as Alex finishes the salad, pleased with her accomplishment she hears "Hey Blondie" and her head snaps up in fear. Her eyes go wide and she starts to shake, jumping up she runs into the restroom, vomiting her lunch into the toilet.

"Al?" Olivia whispers, coming up behind her

Alex is shaking violently as she leans back, tears streaming down her face. All she can see is his face, with that sickly grin, and she's tied down, unable to move, feeling him, hearing him, smelling his breath as he breathes.

"Alex, Alex? Breathe with me sweetheart, just take it easy" Olivia says, confusion and panic sweeping over her 'what just happened?' she asks herself

Minutes pass as Olivia tries to console Alex, and finally, Alex begins to calm down. Her body still shaking a little but the tears have let up, and her eyes are coming into focus

"Liv?" she whispers

"It's okay. It's okay baby"

"I thought he was here. He called me 'Blondie'" she says quietly and then it hits Olivia that Alex heard the guy at the counter greet a customer with that pet name.

"It's okay Al. You're okay"

"I threw up" she remembers and begins to cry again "I couldn't help it"

"It's okay. It was just a reaction to the fear. You ate Alex, that's good" Olivia says, rubbing circles on the blondes back

"Can we go home?" Alex asks, as she looks at the mirror and thinks about the glass breaking, and dragging it to her wrist

Olivia takes her hand and helps her up, watching the blonde's gaze.

Once inside the apartment, Olivia notices Alex glancing at the cutlery drawer and realises what Alex is thinking. Taking her hand and leading her to the living room, she sits down on the couch and pulls Alex onto her lap, she strokes her hair "You don't need to cut Alex" she says quietly

Alex tenses and tries to wriggle free from Olivia

"No you don't Alex. Stay here. Talk to me"

"I…" Alex starts

Olivia kisses her gently on the cheek and pulls her tighter, rubbing her back "Don't worry baby. Just relax"

Just then Olivia's cell shrieks, indicating a call "Benson"

"Hey Olivia, its Casey" comes the voice through the receiver

"Hi Case" Olivia answers, grabbing Alex's hand as the blonde tries to move. Olivia shakes her head at Alex, and Alex bows her head low, feeling guilty and ashamed "Now's not a great time"

"Is everything okay?" Casey asks, worriedly

"I'll call you later" Olivia says sighing. She ends the call, placing the phone down on the table beside the couch. Turning to Alex she says quietly "Stop thinking. Just breathe and let me hold you"

Alex nods, but her mind won't calm. "It won't stop Liv" she says on the verge of tears "I can't switch it off, the voice that tells me to do it"

"Alex, do you want to?"

Alex nods before her body is overcome with strangled cries, almost like a cat.

**Reviews still welcome...**


	11. Making Olivia feel good

**A.N: Thank you for the reviews on the previous chapter. **

**It's been a long day but I wanted to finish this chapter, it's a lot more happy albeit a little short. But there's a rather intimate scene at the end, so just a warning.**

**Chapter 10 - Making Olivia feel good**

It's been 3 weeks since January 1st, and things are beginning to improve. Alex is now eating regular meals and as far as Olivia knows she hasn't harmed herself. She still has nightmares and they haven't yet reached a turning point in the intimacy in their relationship. While they make out most evenings on the couch, Alex still breaks contact before it gets too heavy, and won't sleep in anything but her winter pyjamas.

Alex and Olivia are now seeing the counsellor every couple of days, baring weekends, and Olivia feels that it is going as well as can be expected. There wasn't a trial regarding Evan, he had plead guilty much to Selena's annoyance, she really wanted a chance to take him to trial but at the same time, was relieved that Alex didn't need to testify. The evidence against him was strong, but Abbie was worried that the jury would only see that Alex sought him out, and that this wouldn't bode well for them, a fact that she had mentioned a fair few times much to Casey and Olivia's anger.

Today, Olivia is going to work for a few hours, on request from Alex. She's asked to stick to desk duty because she wants to be able to escape if Alex needs her, and she doesn't want to get caught up in cases that might require a long absence from the blonde.

Olivia doesn't want to wake Alex but at the same time, doesn't want the blonde to have a nightmare and freak when she wakes alone. It's 8am, and not extremely early and compared to most nights, it had been a fairly event free night.

"Alex, wake up sweetie" Olivia gently shakes Alex's shoulder

"Mmm" Alex mumbles turning over

Olivia chuckles, "Al, wake up. It's 8 o'clock. I've got to go"

"Not yet, stay" Alex grumbles, reaching for Olivia

"Alex, you wanted me to go back. I'll call you in a little while okay?" Olivia sighs as she moves from Alex's reach

Alex sits up, and gives Olivia a small smile "Go, I know you've missed it"

"I'm going to miss you" Olivia says giving Alex a chaste kiss on the lips

"And me you, now go" Alex says, nudging Olivia towards the door

Olivia turns and as she exits the room, blows Alex a kiss. Alex pretends to catch it and presses it to her lips. "I love you" she says to the brunette

"I love you too" Olivia says "Call me if you need me" and then she's gone.

Alex sighs and snuggles back under the covers. She doesn't intend to move, she wouldn't know what to do with herself. But she won't sleep, not now. Not when Olivia has gone.

* * *

Olivia enters the squad room to see Munch and Fin sitting at their desks

"Hey Baby Girl" Fin says smiling as he hugs Olivia

"Hey Olivia" Munch adds

"Hi Guys, Where's El?" she asks, sitting down

"He caught a case, he wasn't happy being paired with your sub, but now you're back" Fin said chuckling

"I'm on desk work guys. I don't want to be away from Alex for too long, I'm only here until lunch" Olivia explains

"Benson" Cragen calls, and Olivia snaps her head up "A word"

Olivia looks at the guys and shrugs when they give her a questioning look. She heads into Cragen's office and sits in the chair he directs her to with a point of the finger

"Captain"

"How are you?"

"I'm good thanks" she smiles

"And Alex?"

"She's getting there" Olivia says

"I can only keep you on desk duty a couple of days Liv. How's that going to work with the therapy sessions?"

"Captain, it's important that I go too"

"Why? You said Alex is getting better; she doesn't need you to hold her hand. She's not a child Olivia"

"I just think it helps that I'm there. I can give a different insight to how things are going" Olivia explains, feeling a bit angry that the Captain isn't being as supportive as she thought he would

"I support you and Alex Olivia, and I know she's had a rough time, but she is improving, and she has to get her independence back" he answers, sensing her frustrations

"I know. I know, I just wish I could have had more time to prepare her, and talk to her. She looked a little lost when I left this morning"

"Go home Olivia. Talk to her, call the therapist, but I expect you to be back full time by the end of the week"

Olivia sighs, pushing her chair out. She heads to her desk, grabbing her coat and giving an apologetic and annoyed look at Munch and Fin

* * *

Olivia unlocks the door, pushing it open. "Alex?" she calls

"I'm in the bedroom Olivia" Alex responds.

Olivia walks into the bedroom "Al, you're not up" she observes

"Great work detective" Alex replies sarcastically "You haven't even been at work an hour, what are you doing back?"

"We need to talk" Olivia says quietly

Alex takes a deep breath, trying to steady herself for what she believes is coming next. She begins to fidget and she feels her chest tightening with anxiousness. "Liv" she whispers shakily

Olivia notices the worry radiating off the blonde "Alex, relax baby" she says climbing onto bed next to Alex "It's nothing bad, or at least not that bad"

"Liv, you're scaring me" Alex chokes out, as her head runs through a million different conversations at the same time

"Oh baby" Olivia whispers, stroking Alex's hair "Don sent me home to talk to you, that's all. Listen, I need to go back to work full time, I don't particularly want to just yet, but they need me and well, it's my job. It means I won't be able to come to therapy and I might be home late…you know the drill. I don't want to leave you though"

Alex lets the tears fall, as she nods. Olivia wraps her arms around Alex, and she strokes her cheek, placing a kiss onto it. "I'll be fine" Alex manages after a few minutes

"Alex, you can call me if you need me, call Casey, Abbie, heck you can Serena if you really need to, or call your Mom, I'm sure she'd love to hear from you"

"I don't want her to worry Olivia, she knows about things but calling her, she'd be up here, trying to crowd me, and I'd hate it. I promise, I'll be fine"

"I've got to go back by the end of the week" Olivia explains

"Go tomorrow" Alex urges

"Let me come to therapy tomorrow Alex, then I'll go back"

"No, I'll be fine. I need to start doing this myself. I might go back to work too"

"Alex, are you sure that's a good idea?"

"I don't know. I'll talk to Joanne tomorrow and find out what she thinks, I need to start getting things back to normal" Alex explains

"If that's what you want, then I won't stop you. Just think it through properly. Now, you haven't eaten have you? Let me cook you brunch" Olivia says, as she goes to move

"Stay with me a little while" Alex says quietly, leaning over to hungrily capture the brunette's lips with her own

Olivia is shocked at the force and passion behind the kiss that for a moment she is unable to respond, but as Alex reaches over and cups the back of her head, she smiles before returning the kiss. After a few minutes, Alex pulls away, smiling. Olivia notices the difference in the smile, but cannot place it. It isn't until Alex begins to tug at Olivia's top that she realizes what that smile means. It's the smile that Alex gave when she wanted Olivia, when she wanted more than just a kiss. Olivia's breath hitched  
"Are you sure baby?" she whispered

Alex nodded "I want to make you feel good" she says huskily, climbing out from under the covers, and straddling the brunette's thigh. She brings her lips back to Olivia's as Olivia removes her top and bra.

Alex grins as she breaks the kiss and pushes Olivia back; she takes Olivia's right breast in her mouth, flicking her tongue gently over Olivia's nipple, before tugging it gently.

"Al" Olivia breathes out

Alex murmurs as she pays the same attention to Olivia's left breasts.

Alex can tell that Olivia is enjoying herself, as her eyes are closed, and her breathing is growing erratic, "Alex, please" she begs, needing more

Alex grins again, before climbing off and removing the brunette's pants and underwear, taking a breath when she sees Olivia's sex gleaming with want. Climbing back to straddle the brunette's thigh, she rubs herself along the length of Olivia's thigh, to relieve some of her own pressure without having Olivia touch her.

She reaches down and strokes Olivia's centre, gasping at just how wet she is "God Liv, you're so wet"

"It's all for you, baby" Olivia breaths out, pushing herself up to instigate further contact. Alex takes Olivia's lips with her own, as she gently eases a finger into the brunette's folds, teasing her slightly.

"Al…please" Olivia says, her body arching for further contact. Alex complies, as she thrusts a second finger in, and continues to thrust up and down on the brunette's thigh.

"Oh, yes, Alex…feels so good" Olivia murmurs as Alex speeds up, bringing Olivia to her peak.

Olivia cries out, and a second later Alex joins her, her body convulsing frantically.

"Liv" she breathes "Thank you"

Olivia sighs, as she comes down from her high, as the blonde collapses on top of her. "Wow" Olivia whispers, before noticing Alex's body trembling "Alex?"

"Mm?" Alex asks

"You okay?"

Alex mumbles incoherently and then looks up at Olivia, with tears in her eyes "I'm good"

Olivia kisses Alex sweetly on the lips "Did you..?"

Alex nods shyly, blushing a little as the tears fall "I can't believe I waited so long to do that again"

Olivia pushes Alex up slightly, capturing her lips "I think you're a little overdressed though" she grins

Alex pulls away "I'm not…I don't…" she tries

"It's okay; take it as slowly as you need to Alex. That was a start, when you're ready we can do more" Olivia says quickly, realising that Alex still felt self conscious and afraid when it came to Olivia seeing her body

They lay entwined in each other, listening to their heartbeats "You're perfect Al" Olivia whispers

Alex doesn't respond with anything, except a gentle kiss on Olivia's chest because she can't voice into words how it feels to hear her girlfriend say that, especially after such an intimate moment.

**Let me know what you think? What should happen next? **


	12. Another Step

**A.N: This will be the last chapter. Thank you to those that followed this story and those that stuck by it even when it got a little heavy and sidetracked...I may do a sequel sometime in the future. And it will be a much happier one, I promise. I just need some time to move from this one. **

**Final Chapter - Another Step**

The next morning, Alex awakes to an empty bed, for a moment she worries that Olivia has been called in before she hears the shower running,

Getting up, she walks towards the bathroom, a little nervous considering what she's planning. She spent a lot of time thinking after making love with Olivia the previous afternoon, and had worked herself up to take another step towards recovery.

"Olivia?" she calls through the door

"I won't be long baby" Olivia calls back, Alex smiles as she gently pushes open the door

"Room for one more?" she asks quietly

Olivia nods as Alex enters. Olivia can tell that Alex is nervous as the blonde begins to undress, her hands trembling slightly. She removes her pyjama bottoms, and underwear, shimmying them gently down her legs. Olivia can see the faints scars on the blonde's skin, but doesn't make any comment about them.

Alex turns away as she removes her top, covering her stomach with her arms "You're beautiful" Olivia says, trying to convince the blonde she doesn't need to cover herself

Alex smiles as she turns, her arm still wrapped across her front. She walks over to the shower, stepping inside, she gasps at the contact of the water.

"Don't hide Alex; I want to see you, all of you. You're beautiful" Olivia whispers, taking Alex's hands. She notices some scars on the blonde's wrist that weren't there a couple of weeks ago, and raises an eyebrow at them

"Don't" Alex says, pulling her hands away quickly

"No baby, come here. Let me hold you…" Olivia says, trying to stop her mind from wandering as she pulls Alex to her.

Alex sighs as she tilts her head back, letting the water run down her body as it's pressed against the brunettes.

"I love you Olivia" Alex says, as she leans forward to kiss her girlfriend. "I love you so much"

"Oh Al, I love you too" Olivia says, kissing her gently back.

Alex pushes Olivia against the wall as she hungrily claims Olivia's lips causing Olivia to moan in response.

"Touch me please" Alex breathes out and Olivia complies, cupping the blonde's breast. Alex closes her eyes tightly trying to concentrate on the feeling not the memories of her assault

"You okay?" Olivia asks tentatively, noticing the slight tremble emitting from the blonde

"I will be" Alex says quietly "Don't stop please"

Olivia looks at Alex's face, her eyes screwed shut as tears escape them "Al? It's just me, okay, breathe sweetheart, just keep breathing"

"I'm okay" Alex responds taking a couple of breaths to calm herself, bringing her hands to Olivia's side, running them along the brunette's tanned skin "You're so gorgeous Olivia"

"You are beautiful Alex, every inch of you is like a masterpiece…you take my breath away"

Alex brings her hand to Olivia's centre "It seems I make you a little wet too" she smirks, as Olivia cups her ass in her hands

"Oh, you do. Al…oh that's good" Olivia breathes out as Alex teases her centre

Olivia tentatively reaches for Alex's sex "Tell me if you need me to stop" she says quietly

"Its fine Olivia, please…I need to feel you" Alex says as she enters Olivia. Olivia complies, and the two rock rhythmically with each other.

"Al…I…you…oh baby…I'm…" Olivia chokes out as she comes closer to her peak

Alex herself is reaching orgasm as she tilts her head back "Olivia, I'm so close…baby"

Both woman buck frantically against the other as they crash over the edge, muffling each other's cries in a hungry kiss, before Alex's legs give way and she falls to the floor bringing Olivia with her

"That was amazing" Olivia breathes out after a few minutes

"I agree" Alex smirks "Thank you…"

* * *

Alex is sitting comfortably on the couch when Olivia returns home from work later that evening.

"Hey baby" Olivia says, as she enters the living room, leaning down to kiss Alex

"I've missed you so much" Alex says as she pulls Olivia down to sit with her

"How was therapy today?"

"I only need to see her once a week now Olivia" Alex smiles

"That's brilliant baby" Olivia says

"Yeah" Alex murmurs "I'm going back to work next week"

"You are?" Olivia asks a little worriedly

"Yeah. I called into the office today, and Liz is happy for me to come back. And Casey was really pleased too"

"If you think you're ready Alex, that's good" Olivia says

"I am. I really am" Alex says smiling

"Al…" Olivia starts, not wanting to upset Alex or put a downer on the moment but needing to ask as she had been thinking all day "This morning, I noticed your wrist..."

"Yes, I cut last week. I swear though Olivia, I'm better, that was just…I don't really remember why" Alex cuts her off as she tries to explain

"You didn't talk to me" Olivia accuses "You promised you would"

"I know, I know and I promise, I will but I'm fine now Olivia"

Olivia raises an eyebrow, not entirely convinced on that statement but agreeing silently that Alex has improved drastically and yesterday and this morning's activities were proof of that.

"I really enjoyed this morning, Liv" Alex says smiling

Olivia smiles as she kisses Alex gently "Me too. I was a little worried at first that you'd have a flashback"

"I thought I was going to as well. But I told Dr Jefferson; she reminded me that while I didn't this time, it doesn't mean I'm not going to at some point. I just need to keep relaxed and breathe…"

"I love you" Olivia whispers

"I love you too" Alex replies, pushing Olivia up from her as she kisses her tenderly on the lips "Now, go get changed. I'm taking you out"

"Alex, you don't have to"

"I know, but I want to take my gorgeous girlfriend on a dinner date. I want to show her how much I love her…and while the bed is a great way to do that, when we first started making a go of this, I said I wanted to date you and even though things have been a bit up and down since, now, I intend to fulfil that promise" Alex explains, leading Olivia to the bedroom

"Have I told you, how much I love you lately?" Olivia smiles

"Not for 3 minutes but tell me again" Alex grins

"I love you with every fibre of my being Alexandra Cabot, and you, are nothing short of perfect"

Alex pulls Olivia in for a kiss, which begins slowly but soon builds with passion, before Alex pulls away "Now, go make yourself sexy and I might just treat you to a night you won't forget"

"Sounds promising" Olivia says, as she unbuttons her blouse "but if you don't take your eyes of my chest, we might not make it until tonight"

* * *

They were sitting across from each other in a nice little Italian restaurant that Alex had come across when browsing the internet a few days previous. It was relatively quiet inside and the whole place was lit up with golden lights on the walls. It was romantic without being over the top, and Olivia was happily tucking in to her Lasagne, while Alex watched her

"What?" Olivia said looking up

"Nothing, you look like you're enjoying that" Alex noted

"Mmm" Olivia mumbled through a mouthful, before swallowing "I'm starving"

Alex just laughed as Olivia shovelled another mouthful in "This is perfect" she said quietly "Here with you. Olivia, I love you and I know I've put you through hell the last few months. It's not been an easy ride with me, but I just want to say thank you for sticking with me and not running away"

"I could never run Alex. I love you too much to let you go, don't ever think otherwise baby" Olivia said taking Alex's hand

"We didn't start out in a great place Olivia. But that changes now" Alex said shakily as she squeezed Olivia's hand, her emotions getting the better of her

"I am so proud of you" Olivia tells Alex as she stands and hurries round to Alex's side, bringing the blonde to her for a loving embrace

"Thank you" Alex whispers

"Alex, look at that ring" Olivia tells the blonde

"Always yours" Alex whispers, twirling it on her finger

"Always mine" Olivia echoes, kissing Alex sweetly "Always mine"

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**I do plan on a sequel, but not too sure when. I have another story on the go, "Matters of shielded hearts" so take a look at that if you fancy. It's a Casey/Alex pairing, but with various friendship pairings as well.**


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